Summer is a hard time for me. I used to be chubby and now that I'm not, I'm confused on how to feel. I lost about 20 pounds just off being too stressed to eat. I did eat, but small meals. It was like grazing throughout the day. I lost my belly fat which seemed amazing, but I also shrunk from a DD to a C. It was crushing. I had just cut 10 inches off my hair and now my boobs are smaller. I felt a lot less feminine. In fact, I had a breakdown in Victoria's Secret because I was for sure that my boyfriend would break up with me. He didn't. In fact, he didn't care at all. My problem is that I get so fixated on what I think he wants, that I forget that he chose me. He chose me at my 145 pounds and he's made the choice to stay with me at 125. He chose me when I was chubbier and he's still with me even with my smaller boobs.
He thinks I'm amazing and it's me that thinks I'm not. I feel like he's the greatest thing to come into my life and I'm so afraid to lose him that I'm forgetting to enjoy it by trying to be perfect and stressing myself out over things that are out of my control. Even if I eat all the right foods and take supplements, there's a good chance that my boobs won't be that big until I have kids. So I need to just accept that I yam what I yam and that no one can change that.
No one else's opinion matters like my own. All my friends and family are supportive of me and I haven't heard them say anything bad about me besides how frustrating it is to see me like this. So why do I think I'm so terrible?
It's because I compare myself. I look at all the girls with perfect bodies and I think that my life would be complete if I had the ideal body. It's just silly. That's why I have to change.
I know that my body is great and it does what it's supposed to do. It's healthy now and functions perfectly. It does what a body does. It probably looks perfect to some people.
I've gotten to a point where I love my face. That was the easiest part. I don't think I'm ugly. I mean I get frustrated when I see really pretty girls with great bodies because I envy that.
And I envy it because I want to give Sam everything I can.
But I have to trust him. I have to trust that he knows he's made the right choice and that he wouldn't try to mess it up.
He knows I love him. I know that he likes me a lot. It's just easy to get mixed up in mad emotions.
