The Fault in Our Stars... as it pertains to my life

I saw The Fault in Our Stars... Twice already.
The problem is that I sob uncontrollably at the end.
For those of you who have not read the book or seen the movie, I'm sorry.
It is an amazing story, but it's rough. It's completely beautiful though. It's a book about cancer without being about cancer. It's about the story of a relationship, lives, and struggles that could happen in anyone's lives, but put to two kids with cancer.
Cancer isn't their main flaw even. Hazel is hard to love and tries to push Gus away. She even leads him on while trying to deny her own feelings towards him. She feels like her cancer is why she can't love him, because she is going to die and he will be left here on Earth and it wouldn't be fair. Gus hardly seems to have flaws, but of course he does. He wants this grand life so much that a normal life of only having those close him love him isn't enough. He wants to be widely loved and admired by strangers for being great.
Gus has so much to teach us though.
His cancer scare kind of turned him into this optimistic kid who is "on a roller coaster that only goes up." He refuses to deny himself pleasures in life, such as staring at a beautiful person or saying "I love you." That is a lesson we all could learn or be reminded of. I remember freaking out for about a month before my mouth finally worked before my head and the fated words came out. I was scared of how to say it and when would be a good time. Regardless of his response, it felt really good coming out. Until I began to overthink everything, which made me close up. But regardless of Hazel's silence when he says it, he stays happy. He knows that regardless of the outcome, he loved her, it was his choice, and it was his pleasure. I think when we get dumped or rejected that we forget that the feeling of love itself is a complete pleasure. The pain always outweighs the learning experience and complete euphoria of loving someone, because it seems to linger and build up negative learning experiences rather than good ones. I've had plenty of unfulfilled crushes and all I could think of as the problem was me. Like oh, he doesn't like me because I look this way, or act this way, or this or that. Which isn't true, it just wasn't meant to be. There's never been a particular reason for me not liking someone. There was this guy that I dated like immediately before Sam that I thought I really liked. He looked the part, acted the part, but he wasn't the right person. We didn't have any chemistry and I just didn't like him like that. It wasn't meant to be. I can't tell you how I fell out of liking the guys that I once liked. I just woke up one day and it was done. It was always fun though, having a crush or being in a relationship. Being able to wake up and be excited to see someone and want to share parts of your life with them. It's a rewarding experience. I didn't fully experience it until Sam. I had always had the crushes and those were kind of fun because it was like I was able to kind of admire someone without actually putting myself out there. Not putting myself out there more has to be one of my true regrets in life, because I missed out on an opportunity to have loved someone.
Gus also teaches us that we are going to get hurt, it's inevitable; however, we have the choice in who hurts us. His eulogy to Hazel is by far the most heartbreaking part of the movie, my boyfriend's favorite song was playing over the scene so I imagined Sam reading it to me and I bawled for like twenty minutes after the movie. I honestly can't imagine a world where losing him won't be one of the hardest things I will eventually go through, be it a breakup or death. It is amazing how much that idea resonated with me though. It applies to so much. If you have bad friends then you are choosing to let them hurt you and you should get rid of them. But then you have his concept of the romantic aspect where you get to love someone and then they leave you hurting, but it's a pain that came from so much happiness.
He also teaches us that the world is not a wish granting factory. Life is hard. It's meant to be hard and you're supposed to struggle. Whether that is for natural selection or just because achievements make satisfying lives, doesn't matter. The fact is that this kid who is so optimistic admits that life is hard. Which just makes all of his happiness so much more inspiring. The kid gets that life sucks when it comes down to it, but he makes it great. He makes his own happiness and he doesn't let his fake leg, the fact that Hazel was denying him so fervently, or even the fact that he was dying get him down. That is for the most part. He did break.
Hazel is like looking in a mirror that gives you cancer. She's depressed and lacks the usual spirit that lives within most young girls. She understands that she is dying and she doesn't want to hurt more people than necessary. She is a good teacher for us as well because she narrates all of these things that Gus teaches her as well as us. She shows you the change in her attitude. She even handles his death a hell of a lot better than I would have. For starters, I would have been completely incoherent through the eulogy. She's just very resolved about it all. She knows exactly what to expect and she even kind of sounds more like Gus at the very end. She was content with who broke her heart.
Honestly, the entire book and movie had me crying. When I read the book I didn't cry as much. However, I hadn't experienced love at that point so it was me crying at the death and the desire to have a love so deep. When I reread it and watched the movie, all I could think about was if Sam and I were in that situation. It was completely heartbreaking. I immediately texted him after the movie and was like "listen, you can't get a terminal illness and die because that wouldn't be fair." I see him in Gus. I see his optimism and his lessons in Gus. I see him almost physically in Ansel Elgort. But I definitely see Sam and it makes me really said when I think about how Gus had such a great personality and being and then his life was just taken from him. I was crying at IHOP after the movie and Kelsey was like "he doesn't have cancer and he isn't going to die." That's when I realized that we have such a misconception on life. We think it's going to last so long because we aren't given an exact date to expect. Tragedy happens when it wants to happen, not when we expect it. I value all the time I have with him for that reason. Especially when I've been in car accidents or when I end up in shady situations where I kind of fear for my life. These kids are told that they have a numbered days and Gus acts accordingly. He doesn't waste a single day and he lives without regrets. We think we have so long so we stop having that carefree lifestyle and we worry and over analyze things. We don't think about the good things we have, we think about the things we want. We could all use more of a Gus thought process. He's a fairly knowledgeable fictional character.
Thank you, John Green. You broke my heart, but it was a pleasure to have it broken by such a tragically beautiful love story.

Peers, Family, and Media

Insecurity is something everyone gets. We all have that something that we hate about ourselves. Some have it worse than others and it's fueled by almost everything that occurs in life.

I've struggled for a long time. They say it has to do with your environment, family, peers, and of course, the media. I can only guess where mine comes from.

I didn't have the nicest friends even from a young age. Erin was ruthless. She would exclude people on purpose and very vocally tell you that she dislikes parts of you. She even told me that I both spell and say my name wrong. She would tell me that she was Jamie's friend first and kick me out at recess. I have no idea how I remember that, but it's so vivid in my memory. So I would try to play with anyone else. That's how I became friends with the most ragtag group of people, we played pretend as Buffy the Vampire Slayer just to give you an idea. I also pretended to like Buffy just for the sake of fitting in, even though I had never seen it. To this day I haven't seen a single episode. California was a lot easier and the girls were a little nicer. Deanna and Gabby were two of the nicest girls I had ever met. Hannah wasn't as nice. She was into cheer and was being prepped for high school popularity. I wasn't. I liked to read and I found my way into the nerd herd of a Gifted and Talented students or whatever. She would also find ways to exclude me at recess. I eventually gave up. She wasn't worth the fight. When I got to Texas, I just wanted to be accepted by a vast majority of people. I became friends with Rachel, Nicole, and Kayla all at separate times. Nicole didn't want anything to do with me when Rachel liked me and vice versa. Kayla liked me at all times for the most part. Rachel was the most consistent though, despite our times of struggle. We managed to make it work through fourth grade. Fifth grade was harder for us because we had different interests. We became friends again in middle school. Yet, my friends changed again in seventh grade. It was a power struggle to keep three new friends in a balance. By this point, I desperately wanted normalcy and no more bullying. Yet, I always ended up in the middle of fights and had a hard time dealing with the changes that puberty was starting to bring. High school is what really sent us apart. Girls get worse in high school though. I was finding myself being referred to by people in some really rude ways. I was usually the "other Kara," which hurt because I felt like I was the inferior or less desired Kara. It sounds stupid but not being the original kind of blows. Girls looked at me like I wasn't good enough or pretty enough to be apart of their clique. Guys just didn't look at me in another way besides being their little sister. Most guys scoffed when they were asked if we were dating, which while it was true that we weren't dating, the scoff was uncalled for in all 5 situations. Debate was a monster too. My insecurity showed in every aspect of it. The way I stood, talked, refuted, and even greeted people. That's not even going into the social aspect. I was seeking approval and I got it from an improper gentleman who just wanted me to be there when he was lonely, but got mad when I dropped him when he got a girlfriend. Dating became a thing in high school. One guy tried to let me give him a free pass to date other girls, so I told him up his and that if he wants to date other girls then I would not be in that mix. One of the last guys of high school cheated on me. He even managed to completely hide me on social media and then passive aggressively dumped me by loading his Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook with her. That was a stab right to the chest through the heart and out the back. The next guy seriously dated me for awhile and then broke up with me by just not responding to my text one day and the ignore sesh lasted for 4 months. When I got to college, it didn't get any better. The girls still managed to look down on me like it was their favorite pastime. The guys used me as their make-out stepping stones into relationships. In fact, 4 guys did that.

So I guess family has something to do with it. I want to say that I have always unconditionally loved my family, but the truth is that I have desired to be apart of someone else's family at times. I was kind of a lonely kid through all the moves we made, especially with my mom working all the time. I wasn't involved in anything to really require me to be anywhere or criticized. Yet, I wasn't really praised like some kids are. When I made a B, it was always "why isn't that an A?" The most painful is when I was younger, I held more weight on me. Instead of coaxing me into athletics or some kind of healthy behavior, I had all the adults telling me that I was gaining weight and that I needed to try to get smaller. It didn't seem to be about health at the time. Although, I was already obsessing about how I looked, so I'm sure it was just my perception of how they were talking to me. But I feel like the same chunky 12 year old.

Media just sucks. Everyone is edited in everything and it's hard for people to get a real perception of what people actually look like. Clearly no one is perfect, yet we are exposed to what some arbitrary idea of perfection is. We all have flaws, but the media doesn't want you to think about that. We focus on what we should be instead of embracing what is unique and makes us beautiful. 

You can imagine how these things have affected me throughout the years. I have grown into this heaping pile of insecurity and it effects everything in my life. It effects my performance in school because I get defeated. It turns me into "Crazy Bitch" with my boyfriend because I feel inferior and threatened by the girls in his life. I even turn into just plain bitch who will let no one in to see just how deeply scarred she feels. 

But it needs to change. I just don't know how.

This Week

This week has gone by fairly quickly, to put it lightly anyhow. It has only gone by fast because I keep anticipating new things. This week it has been work, doctors appointments, dates, hangouts, and of course tomorrow is the Color Up 5K.
It is amazing how fast time will go if you are busy. I started off today with work, then I came home and researched different things I will need to know for my upcoming semester, and as I write this, I am preparing to go rock climbing.
Surprisingly, I am coming back to a place where my life makes sense.
I had a bit of a wake up call when I was told by my doctor that, while I am still healthy, I have lost weight since March and my blood pressure has dropped. To me, that is not healthy. I was healthy before and now I am headed in a bad direction. So instead of following through with my plan to get the perfect summer body, I am changing the plan to get the perfect healthy body, minus the perfect. I want to be fuller, skinny doesn't suit me. Instead of focusing on crazy goals, I want to focus on the things that make me happy. So excuse my craziness, but I want to try to be a happier, nicer person. That means that from here on out, I vow to not gossip, to not worry as much, and to do only the things that I enjoy. Also, I want to find good in every day. It is important to hold yourself to a standard that isn't ridiculous. You shouldn't want to be perfect, you should want to be happy and yourself.
I was really frustrated last weekend before I hung out with my boyfriend. I had found a bunch of things to be upset about and I had talked myself into believing that he doesn't like me and that I am just there to be his toy. I knew all of these things were untrue and that he actually does care about me, but I was just so upset already and I was bound to make my night horrible. That is until I began to realize that I was focusing so much on the 5% bad that I was forgetting the 95% good. So I composed myself, shook out all the negative thoughts and went out with him and our friends. I had a good time and I could actually see clearly that he cares for me. That was all I had wanted and I have the power to grant it to myself. We all have the power to grant happiness to ourselves. It isn't about what other people do, it is about how you react and deal with other people and yourself. A girl can come in and complain about my service, but I decide how to deal. I could help her, apologize, and do better next time or I could get cranky, irritable, and refuse to help anyone else that day. Clearly, I pick the first one each time just because that is what is professional. However, it applies to all things you do. I'm about to go rock climbing, I'm not great at it because I am afraid of heights so my hands get sweaty. However, I am going to do the best I can because I owe it to myself for paying money to go climb a wall with a bunch of fake rocks on the side. Also, because I can totally overcome my fear of heights. I'm going to be strapped in with a stupid harness and it isn't that far of a fall.
I guess what I am trying to say is that happiness really is a mindset. Therefore, I am changing my mindset because it isn't fun to be perpetually anxious or whatever. Sometimes you need to remember that only you can make yourself happy.

Love and Heartbreak as demonstrated by Miss Havisham

Next on my book list is Great Expectations. However, I am quite impatient. So, I caved and watched mini series with Douglas Booth. I was very enraptured by it. It was well done.

Miss Havisham is the embodiment of female crazy. She was heartbroken by the one guy who Abel Magwich wants to kill. She even says something about how your heart breaks and it feels like you're going to die but you just keep living. She has a point. That is the thing about heartbreak, you feel like you're going to die and you want to curl up into this little ball. You want to let Takotsubo overcome you. Anything to alleviate the pain. Yet, there you are. You're forced to resume life as normal. To resume it as though nothing has harmed you in life. You are to go to work, church, and all things with a smile on your face, even though all you feel is this gut wrenching pain that tears through your heart and fills your veins with a poison that is almost debilitating. That is heartbreak. She hit the nail on the head. However, most people take this pain and experience it. They let it hurt for awhile and then move on. They find another person to love, though they may be more guarded this time. Some people build up walls. Some people become cold. Yet, no one I know comes close to this woman. She goes in and asks a lawyer to find her a girl to adopt. She refuses to wear anything but her wedding dress. She doesn't comb her hair. She doesn't even clean the house, not even the bathroom. Everything is covered in cobwebs and decay. She's so fixated on this stupid man that broke her heart years ago that she completely forgets that humans feel pain. She molds this girl into a heartless heart breaker. She molds this small girl into, frankly, a complete bitch. She lets her build men into loving her and then she crushes them, deep down to their cores. Miss Havisham's goal is to build the woman that she longed to be. The woman who wouldn't have fallen so readily in love with a man who wasn't there for love. The woman who held the power and control over the man. The woman who was prepared for hurt by not actually loving. The woman who I used to be able to identify with on some level. She molded this child into a mean person, who surprisingly found someone to break her down.

The true beacon of light is Abel Magwich. A convict who lost everything and found it again in a young boy. Abel once had a wife named Molly and a little girl. He was a true family man. That is, until one of his buddies decided to try to get it on with Molly and she cut him. Molly was then put on trial for attempted murder, she was saved. Abel was left without a wife and daughter when Molly stayed with a lawyer and gave her kid up for adoption. Abel escaped and found Pip, who was nice to him when he wasn't required to. That kindness turned around and Abel took Pip in as his own by becoming a benefactor to the young man.

Might I say before starting about Pip that Douglas Booth is very attractive. Anywho, Pip is this poor orphan who upsets a bunch of people, falls in love with the wrong chick, and yet still manages to be okay. He starts out as an orphan in a house with this abusive as hell older sister, whom I hated from the first scene and her husband, Joe. Joe is a blacksmith who has this apprentice who just looks like a dirty guy and kind of grossed me out because teeth are important. Pip gets signed up to go to Miss Havisham's once a week, her goal is to break his heart. He actually falls in love with the young Estella. He gets word that he has a benefactor and moves to London. He becomes good friends with a kid he punched in the face back in the day named Herbert Pocket. His life is lavish. He loses Estella to this dick named Drummle, whom I hate as well. Drummle makes Estella a widow when the horse kicks him in face. He deserved it for whipping the horse like the abusive person he is. Pip ends up being the one that breaks down Estella's cold heart. 

Estella is a bitch. She's molded by her mother to be so. She is all about breaking hearts. She ends up being in love with Pip, so all is well in the end. 

Clearly, this is different than the book. It usually is with movies. I enjoyed it though. I found each character to be easily likable or completely disagreeable, without any gray area. 

I found myself crying at certain parts and cheering at others. I had much to say about Havisham, especially at how seemingly crazy she is. Yet, I justified it above. At least I found a way to make it make sense to myself. 

Change of Events

I get mad. 

Not even.

I get frustrated.

I get frustrated because I am dating this guy. He's attractive inside and out. He's tall with blue eyes and dark hair. Yet, he's more than that. His personality is hard to beat. He knows how to make someone smile. He at least knows how to make me smile. He is patient, kind, and reflects how love is described in the first Corinthians. It's hard to see why anyone would not want to be around him.

Yet, I get nervous when other girls do want to spend time with him. I feel threatened and I get jealous. It is nasty and I lose my Corinthians inspiration by becoming envious. I lose my patience. I begin to over-think things and wonder if I really am enough for him.

I wonder if he ever looks at his friends and wonder what it would be like to be dating her instead of me.

I wonder if he ever wishes I were prettier, or smarter, or better in anyway.

And after all of my wondering, I cry.

I never take the chance to look in the mirror and see what is before me.

God's creation.

Yes, based off of human actions, I was a mistake.

But to God, I am a masterpiece of His own creation.

Being God's child makes me enough.

I am here, I am living, breathing, and doing the best I can. Yet what do I do? I question the Lord and tear apart his masterpiece bit by bit, leaving nothing left but a broken canvas of a person.

I feel as though we often forget why we are here.

I know I do. I push Him away, because I feel like He doesn't want to help me. However, this is not the case. I push Him to send me down the path that I have chosen for myself, instead of being willing to follow His path for me. I forget to let Him be in charge of the things I can't control and I hold on tighter and tighter until I can't hold on any longer. 

It is exhausting to push the only entity that can help me through anything away.

I shouldn't push. I should relent. I should give up all of my worries and pain and suffering. I should give into the Lord, because He really does strengthen. 

He does not want to see me suffer. In fact, I am sure that I hurt Him greatly with each tear that is shed over something out of my control.

If Sam and I are meant to be, then the Lord will make it so. 

However, if we are not, then that is not His path for me.

As much as I want to believe that I can control everything, I cannot. I am a mere human. I can hardly carry a suitcase of clothing up three flights of stairs, how could I possibly control everything in my life?

It is hard. Life is difficult. 

I need to get over that and let myself become one with God again.

He is who is important.

He is who I need reassurance from.

He is who I am going back to.

Hide and Seek

I have lost myself.

I thought I was hiding in my boyfriend's room. However, when I looked she wasn't there.

I thought I was hiding at the bottom of a cup of tea. However, I wasn't there either.

I thought I was hiding at the local coffee shop. However, all I found was hipsters.

I thought I was hiding in the library. However, all I found were sad teenagers.

I thought I was hiding in my room, under a pile of essays. However, the essays held no truth.

I thought I was hiding on the couch. However, all that was there was a pile of crumbs.

I thought I was hiding under my desk. However, all I found was trash.

I thought that I could find myself in places. However, I can only find myself in people.

I am in my mother, who nurtured and raised me to be who I am today, and taught me how to forgive.

I am in my father, who protects me even though he is miles away.

I am in my Mimi, who taught me how to be a lady and caretaker.

I am in my Papa, who taught me how to be strong, even though I sometimes forget.

I am in my little brother, who teaches me how to have patience.

I am in my dog, who teaches me just what it is like to share a bed with a larger entity.

I am in Kelsey, who has been my guide through many of my struggles.

I am in Jasmine, who reflects who I am by being similar to me.

I am in my stepdad, who has taught me what is it like to grow up and be an adult.

I am in my stepmom, who has taught me how to let go. 

I am in Sam, who works with me and has taught me what it is like to love someone non-platonically.

I am in myself. In spite of all of my searching, I know I am in myself. Somewhere, being repressed by my years of insecurity, waiting to come forth and expose myself. I have not quite found myself on the full scale level; however, I believe that it is possible. I might even turn to God for help on this one, instead of letting my arrogance show and denying His help.

To the Boy I Just Said "I Love You" to... Here's my side

I have to admit, that's not the way I intended it to come out. When you jokingly said "why do you hate me?" I didn't mean to respond with "I don't hate you, I love you."

At least, that's not what I wanted the first time saying the words to be. And I didn't want them to sound so insincere, because, frankly, I do love you.

I wanted to tell you that I love you in some grand gesture sort of way, or at the right time, or even in response to you saying it first.

I have wanted to tell you for the past month.

I am sorry that I didn't put it out there in the appropriate way.

Before you have a chance to say that I don't mean it, give me a chance to tell you all the ways I love you.

I love the way you look when you wake up. Groggy with messy hair and a weak smile.

I love the way you make it your first mission to pull me in closer when you first wake up, even if I am trying to leave the bed. 

I love the way you always take a break from homework to creep into bed just to say hi.

I love the way you hold me tight when I get stressed, instead of freaking out.

I love the way you are particular about your clothes, at least your t-shirts.

I love the way you smile when I'm wrong, but don't smile or laugh when I cry.

I love the way you work with me and have a large amount of patience with me.

I love the way you don't judge my morning breath or my snoring.

I love the way you snore, it's kind of cute.

I love the way you make me laugh, even if you don't have to say anything. Especially when you don't have to say anything.  

I love the way you make me smile, even if it's just because I got to see you.

I love the way you push me to be the best form of myself.

I love the way you improvise your food and drinks when you're working with your college budget.

I love the way you are driven by failure to achieve your success. 

I love the way you don't back down when threatened.

I love the way you do what you do, everything you do.

I just love you. I could write it in a million ways, scribbled on paper or written across the sky, yet the words could never compare to what I actually feel.

So when you don't reciprocate, I'm torn. 

I'm torn between feeling bad because you appear to not feel the same way and feeling happy because you have at least given me the pleasure to experience it.

I feel bad because it fulfills my fears of me being the one that loves more and fully. But I am the woman, I am supposed to feel this way, right? At least you didn't get weird and kick me out like you could have.

I feel amazing for letting it out because I am honest now. Fully honest, and I won't deny the fact that I love you because I cannot deny what I feel. I will not deny myself of such a simple pleasure as to be honest with another about your affections.

You can feel what you want. I won't push you. Just know that I love you regardless of your decisions and I hope that you, if not now then eventually, feel the same way.

I want you to be happy.