It's All On Me... And Society

Throughout this school year, I have been struggling with getting a grip on my confidence. 

I had struggled with it for six years prior and found a way to kind of recover. Then, of course, I relapsed.

So as I listen to Jessie J and cry a little bit, I want to delve into the details of this issue.

Let's start from the beginning, shall we.

When Fowler Middle School was built, 90% of my friend base moved away. I lost the few actual girly girl friends that I  had. I also lost the guy friends I had made. I was left with maybe three friends. All of which ditched me for the anime life. I am not without fault though. I may have made a few choice comments about anime. This made seventh grade harder than it needed to be.

Seventh grade started out with me needing to establish a friend base. This base became a melting pot of trouble. I thought these new three friends were going to be those friends that you stick with through college. The kind that you get an apartment with and raise three dogs while working jobs as waitresses to pay the bills and spent nights in the living room studying for classes. However, that wasn't the plan.

They say that everyone in your life has an effect, they all leave a mark. Whether those people stay or leave, they all teach you some kind of lesson.

These girls taught me what it means to be a girl. Most of all, they taught me what it means to be an insecure teenager who has a toxic habit of comparing herself to other girls. 

We obsessed over how our hair and makeup looked while simultaneously basing our worth on which guys liked us, if any at all. Or at least I had thought it was a "we." Really it was a "me." I soon began facing the harsh reality of females. They will help bring you down, but they won't be able to help bring you back up.

I loathed myself and wondered if I was worthy of living a life here on earth.

I never actually had a suicidal thought, but I pondered my own death with more frequency than a teenager ever should. I scared myself.

Starting in 7th grade, I began wearing makeup every day. I kept it up until I started college.

I would wear makeup from 7 in the morning til 11 at night, every single day. 

I wouldn't go to the gas station without makeup. I wouldn't go to my family's house without makeup. I just couldn't bear the idea of someone seeing my actual face, because that face wasn't good enough. 

I hoped that the makeup could save me from feeling like a troll. I didn't want to go without makeup and risk someone telling me that I wasn't pretty enough. 

My shirt neckline slowly became lower until I had teachers writing me up for dress code violations, all of which were solved by me pulling my shirt up. I hoped that maybe if I showed off the goods that a boy would take interest and validate my self-worth.

I confused lust for love and I began to settle. I accepted the love I thought I deserved.

I forced feelings in three different relationships and in about seven dating not-really-a-relationship relationships. 

I began to let go of most of my standards to the point where I was only achieving one of the 10 standards I have, accepting the love I thought I deserved.

I broke the hearts of four guys who confessed their love for me by just pretending they didn't say it because I couldn't bring myself to take the blame for the terrible cycle I was creating. 

I tried to find acceptance that I could only find in myself in other people.

I would flirt with guys to make myself feel better.

I would kiss random strangers to see if I could. 

I would try my damnedest to find the consolation that could only be found within my own self-love in another person.

I found my happiness in the bottom of a tumbler full of water, with a face void of makeup, in running tights, proving my own worth on an animal science test. 

I found my own self-love by being myself and letting the acceptance from others encourage my self-worth without basing my self-worth on them.

I lost my self-love at the bottom of another girl's facebook, with a face stained with dried tears, in a large t-shirt, proving that relapses happen when you compare yourself to your boyfriend's exes.

I lost my self-love by forgetting to remember that I was chosen above the other girls who he could have chosen.

I lost my self-love by looking on with envy at the girls he didn't choose.

I lost my self-love by forgetting that makeup doesn't change my personality and that the humidity doesn't allow all outfit choices.

I lost my self-love by forgetting the importance and healthiness of loving yourself.

I will find that self-love again. For myself and for those around me.

I will do it for myself so that I can always enjoy my relationship.

I will do it for myself so that I can conquer the mishaps in life.

I will do it for my grandpa because he taught me that I deserve to be happy.

I will do it for my mom because she raised me to be like her and she is the definition of beauty.

I will do it for my dad because confidence is key to being a leader.

I will do it for my grandma because being classy comes with having respect for yourself.

I will do it for my little brother so he knows what kind of girl he deserves.

I will do it for my best friends because they don't deserve my constant problems.

I will do it for my boyfriend because he deserves to have a woman who likes herself as much as she likes him and so that he knows she wants him but doesn't always need him there.