I saw The Fault in Our Stars... Twice already.
The problem is that I sob uncontrollably at the end.
For those of you who have not read the book or seen the movie, I'm sorry.
It is an amazing story, but it's rough. It's completely beautiful though. It's a book about cancer without being about cancer. It's about the story of a relationship, lives, and struggles that could happen in anyone's lives, but put to two kids with cancer.
Cancer isn't their main flaw even. Hazel is hard to love and tries to push Gus away. She even leads him on while trying to deny her own feelings towards him. She feels like her cancer is why she can't love him, because she is going to die and he will be left here on Earth and it wouldn't be fair. Gus hardly seems to have flaws, but of course he does. He wants this grand life so much that a normal life of only having those close him love him isn't enough. He wants to be widely loved and admired by strangers for being great.
Gus has so much to teach us though.
His cancer scare kind of turned him into this optimistic kid who is "on a roller coaster that only goes up." He refuses to deny himself pleasures in life, such as staring at a beautiful person or saying "I love you." That is a lesson we all could learn or be reminded of. I remember freaking out for about a month before my mouth finally worked before my head and the fated words came out. I was scared of how to say it and when would be a good time. Regardless of his response, it felt really good coming out. Until I began to overthink everything, which made me close up. But regardless of Hazel's silence when he says it, he stays happy. He knows that regardless of the outcome, he loved her, it was his choice, and it was his pleasure. I think when we get dumped or rejected that we forget that the feeling of love itself is a complete pleasure. The pain always outweighs the learning experience and complete euphoria of loving someone, because it seems to linger and build up negative learning experiences rather than good ones. I've had plenty of unfulfilled crushes and all I could think of as the problem was me. Like oh, he doesn't like me because I look this way, or act this way, or this or that. Which isn't true, it just wasn't meant to be. There's never been a particular reason for me not liking someone. There was this guy that I dated like immediately before Sam that I thought I really liked. He looked the part, acted the part, but he wasn't the right person. We didn't have any chemistry and I just didn't like him like that. It wasn't meant to be. I can't tell you how I fell out of liking the guys that I once liked. I just woke up one day and it was done. It was always fun though, having a crush or being in a relationship. Being able to wake up and be excited to see someone and want to share parts of your life with them. It's a rewarding experience. I didn't fully experience it until Sam. I had always had the crushes and those were kind of fun because it was like I was able to kind of admire someone without actually putting myself out there. Not putting myself out there more has to be one of my true regrets in life, because I missed out on an opportunity to have loved someone.
Gus also teaches us that we are going to get hurt, it's inevitable; however, we have the choice in who hurts us. His eulogy to Hazel is by far the most heartbreaking part of the movie, my boyfriend's favorite song was playing over the scene so I imagined Sam reading it to me and I bawled for like twenty minutes after the movie. I honestly can't imagine a world where losing him won't be one of the hardest things I will eventually go through, be it a breakup or death. It is amazing how much that idea resonated with me though. It applies to so much. If you have bad friends then you are choosing to let them hurt you and you should get rid of them. But then you have his concept of the romantic aspect where you get to love someone and then they leave you hurting, but it's a pain that came from so much happiness.
He also teaches us that the world is not a wish granting factory. Life is hard. It's meant to be hard and you're supposed to struggle. Whether that is for natural selection or just because achievements make satisfying lives, doesn't matter. The fact is that this kid who is so optimistic admits that life is hard. Which just makes all of his happiness so much more inspiring. The kid gets that life sucks when it comes down to it, but he makes it great. He makes his own happiness and he doesn't let his fake leg, the fact that Hazel was denying him so fervently, or even the fact that he was dying get him down. That is for the most part. He did break.
Hazel is like looking in a mirror that gives you cancer. She's depressed and lacks the usual spirit that lives within most young girls. She understands that she is dying and she doesn't want to hurt more people than necessary. She is a good teacher for us as well because she narrates all of these things that Gus teaches her as well as us. She shows you the change in her attitude. She even handles his death a hell of a lot better than I would have. For starters, I would have been completely incoherent through the eulogy. She's just very resolved about it all. She knows exactly what to expect and she even kind of sounds more like Gus at the very end. She was content with who broke her heart.
Honestly, the entire book and movie had me crying. When I read the book I didn't cry as much. However, I hadn't experienced love at that point so it was me crying at the death and the desire to have a love so deep. When I reread it and watched the movie, all I could think about was if Sam and I were in that situation. It was completely heartbreaking. I immediately texted him after the movie and was like "listen, you can't get a terminal illness and die because that wouldn't be fair." I see him in Gus. I see his optimism and his lessons in Gus. I see him almost physically in Ansel Elgort. But I definitely see Sam and it makes me really said when I think about how Gus had such a great personality and being and then his life was just taken from him. I was crying at IHOP after the movie and Kelsey was like "he doesn't have cancer and he isn't going to die." That's when I realized that we have such a misconception on life. We think it's going to last so long because we aren't given an exact date to expect. Tragedy happens when it wants to happen, not when we expect it. I value all the time I have with him for that reason. Especially when I've been in car accidents or when I end up in shady situations where I kind of fear for my life. These kids are told that they have a numbered days and Gus acts accordingly. He doesn't waste a single day and he lives without regrets. We think we have so long so we stop having that carefree lifestyle and we worry and over analyze things. We don't think about the good things we have, we think about the things we want. We could all use more of a Gus thought process. He's a fairly knowledgeable fictional character.
Thank you, John Green. You broke my heart, but it was a pleasure to have it broken by such a tragically beautiful love story.
No comments:
Post a Comment