HIATUS FROM FACEBOOK

I began a hiatus from Facebook and it was the best decision I have ever made.

Let me begin by stating that my life before the hiatus was not all cat videos and fun quizzes. 

I have this terrible habit of tormenting my own anxious mind. The suggested friends list is a favorite of mine. I found several of my boyfriend's past flames, which clearly nothing came of them, this did not stop me from wanting to vomit uncontrollably. I went through the pictures and I imagined them together. She's easily prettier than me in most people's minds and she certainly seemed like a better fit for him to my anxious self. I found myself crying at Christina's profile. I called Carl, because clearly he would know what to do. He prompted me to reconsider what I had been stressing over. The usual "he chose you," "he loves you," "give yourself more credit" stuff. I've heard it all before, yet I don't listen. Him and Evan made me promise to delete the app from my phone and to stay off it until I could find it in me to not stress myself out. It's been about 3 weeks. I've been on a total of 2 times. I logged on today. I should not have done that. 

I began looking through the suggested friends. Facebook was making things up, giving me people whom I shared no mutual friends with as options. For some reason, I cannot find it in me to just accept that he thinks I am good enough for him. It stresses me out because it comes from the fact that I still see an ugly pimple faced teenager who couldn't even get complete acceptance from her own parents, let alone herself. 

Sophomore Year Begins Soon

I keep thinking about how crazy my first year of college was the closer I get to going back for a second year. I remember this time last year I was frantically packing all my stuff into various bags and hoping that I wouldn't completely die going up the stairs. I was beyond excited to meet my roommate, who is like my soul mate to be honest and I can't wait to live with her again. I was completely prepared to start classes and I wasn't too concerned with finding a relationship. After the last three guys I had dated, I wasn't sure if I was ready. By this point I had been cheated on, experienced an almost relationship, and ruined my relationship by speaking my mind.

When I got to school, I realized that none of those boys mattered. They were all lessons. This was my new start. I met plenty of boys within the first week and began to form friendships. 

I made plenty of mistakes, I mean lessons. They are as follows...

1. Goodbye kisses can lie. It's all in the eyes. I knew that it was too good to be true. We had spent three nights together and even spent the days together. I still hadn't put out. I gave him a final goodbye kiss and saw in his eyes that he was already gone. I saw him each day after that with a new girl. We became friends after this incident though.

2. Studying in a dorm room will never lead to studying. He kissed me then invited me to stay the night. I didn't want to walk back upstairs, so I accepted. He realized quickly that I wasn't going to put out. So, he left me to go get high with his friends, they then burned popcorn and set off the fire alarm. I had to walk out of his room at 3 am, by myself. We did not talk for two weeks after this. We are friends now though.

3. Just because he invites you over two nights in a row with the most hopeful smile, you're still a bootycall and he doesn't take you seriously. Even if the first night was a fun night in with some beers and the second night was the ever so romantic movie night, he doesn't care. I didn't hear from him for a week after this. We are kind of friends now.

4. No amount of breath mints can fix someone's breath and no amount of will power will make this person attractive. He was in three of my classes, apart of the most gentlemanly fraternity, and I was trying hard to like him like that. He also had the personality of a mop and breath that could peel wallpaper. We hung out one night. I could not fake emotions. We are not really friends anymore.

5. Just because he seems into you, he could just want a friendship. We hit it off at a party. We stayed friends, albeit great friends. 

6. Sometimes being just friends is the best thing that could happen. He went for my best friend. They turned out poorly, but I got to keep both friends anyway.

7. Just because he made it to college does not mean he knows basic anatomy. My first time. His first time. Awfully bad time together. Choose your partner wisely.

8. Even though you start off as friends, you are not going to have a special, happy ending. We met at orientation and had been hanging out fairly regularly. I thought he might be the game changing one. But we watched a movie, made out, and didn't speak to each other for months. We still aren't friends anymore.

9. No amount of will can make you click with someone. We went on a series of dates for almost a whole month. I was decently attracted to him, but I didn't see a future with him. He asked me to be his girlfriend, my first opportunity for something real, and I denied him. I learned from him ultimately that you have to find someone that you see a future with. Kind of working together won't last. You have to know that it could work.

I had made my last mistake on a Sunday morning in the beginning of second semester. Surprisingly while on a walk. He had asked me to take a walk with him that morning when he asked. I had to awkwardly tell him no and walk up the stairs feeling shitty for leading him on. But as luck would have it, it was the best lesson I had learned. I met my love that night. 

My girl friends had come downstairs to tell me all about these two tall boys they had met at a party. They gushed about how hot they were and how excited they were for me to meet them. I killed their joy with my story of denying lesson 9 earlier in the day. 

The boys came into my room that night, dressed in jackets, jeans, and Sperry Top-siders like every other fraternity boy. They came to meet me then they left to go to a meeting of sorts. When we met up with them again, they were in pajamas getting food at the Sawmill. We ate with them and then watched Sherlock in my dorm. Nothing special. Then we went on the walk that changed it all. Sam and I didn't really talk much before the walk. At the Sawmill we kind of had some playful banter, but the others kind of held the conversation. We're both kind of quiet people. This walk we took was a game changer though. I was supposed to be hooking Sam up with Kelsey, or at least keeping Alex from wanting to hook up with Kelsey. I did not do either very well. As we walked, I almost found myself completely drawn to him. I would fall back with the guys when I was supposed to be up with the girls. I held his hand when I was scared. We even walked ahead of them for a long period of time. It's like we made sense from the beginning. I didn't care what we became but I desperately wanted him to be apart of my world, even if just as a friend. We hung out regularly for about two weeks before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Even from then he lit one of those fires you hear about in people's hearts. He lit a fire in my heart that is still burning a bright yellow glow. 

I knew he was perfect when he asked me by handing me a folded sheet of paper that had a tumblr valentine on it, with a head of lettuce, that said "Lettuce be more than friends."  We've created a thousand memories since then and I cannot believe that I am lucky enough to call him mine. He truly is amazing and I have come to believe that love is the most transforming power. He has been with me through so much already. I cannot imagine what God has planned for us. He has led me away from all my lessons and into the arms of the most amazing man I've met since my grandfather. I am completely uninterested in a life without him. I hope to have several more years with him. 

Always remember that mistakes are never truly mistakes, just lessons in disguise. We would never grow without them. Choose to let these lessons transform you into the best version of yourself and into the most knowledgeable you. God knows what he is doing, let Him guide you. He will never let you down. 

With that, I go into my second year in two weeks. I get to experience a new major and all with Sam by my side and God watching over me and guiding me. I can go in with confidence that this will be my greatest year so far. I go in knowing that I have survived one year of college, so I will be better prepared for this one. 

Recently...

I have this problem where I've fixed myself into the idea that I'm not good enough and that I'll never be good enough.

Summer is a hard time for me. I used to be chubby and now that I'm not, I'm confused on how to feel. I lost about 20 pounds just off being too stressed to eat. I did eat, but small meals. It was like grazing throughout the day. I lost my belly fat which seemed amazing, but I also shrunk from a DD to a C. It was crushing. I had just cut 10 inches off my hair and now my boobs are smaller. I felt a lot less feminine. In fact, I had a breakdown in Victoria's Secret because I was for sure that my boyfriend would break up with me. He didn't. In fact, he didn't care at all. My problem is that I get so fixated on what I think he wants, that I forget that he chose me. He chose me at my 145 pounds and he's made the choice to stay with me at 125. He chose me when I was chubbier and he's still with me even with my smaller boobs.

He thinks I'm amazing and it's me that thinks I'm not. I feel like he's the greatest thing to come into my life and I'm so afraid to lose him that I'm forgetting to enjoy it by trying to be perfect and stressing myself out over things that are out of my control. Even if I eat all the right foods and take supplements, there's a good chance that my boobs won't be that big until I have kids. So I need to just accept that I yam what I yam and that no one can change that. 

No one else's opinion matters like my own. All my friends and family are supportive of me and I haven't heard them say anything bad about me besides how frustrating it is to see me like this. So why do I think I'm so terrible?

It's because I compare myself. I look at all the girls with perfect bodies and I think that my life would be complete if I had the ideal body. It's just silly. That's why I have to change.

I know that my body is great and it does what it's supposed to do. It's healthy now and functions perfectly. It does what a body does. It probably looks perfect to some people.

I've gotten to a point where I love my face. That was the easiest part. I don't think I'm ugly. I mean I get frustrated when I see really pretty girls with great bodies because I envy that.

And I envy it because I want to give Sam everything I can.

But I have to trust him. I have to trust that he knows he's made the right choice and that he wouldn't try to mess it up.

He knows I love him. I know that he likes me a lot. It's just easy to get mixed up in mad emotions.

The Fault in Our Stars... as it pertains to my life

I saw The Fault in Our Stars... Twice already.
The problem is that I sob uncontrollably at the end.
For those of you who have not read the book or seen the movie, I'm sorry.
It is an amazing story, but it's rough. It's completely beautiful though. It's a book about cancer without being about cancer. It's about the story of a relationship, lives, and struggles that could happen in anyone's lives, but put to two kids with cancer.
Cancer isn't their main flaw even. Hazel is hard to love and tries to push Gus away. She even leads him on while trying to deny her own feelings towards him. She feels like her cancer is why she can't love him, because she is going to die and he will be left here on Earth and it wouldn't be fair. Gus hardly seems to have flaws, but of course he does. He wants this grand life so much that a normal life of only having those close him love him isn't enough. He wants to be widely loved and admired by strangers for being great.
Gus has so much to teach us though.
His cancer scare kind of turned him into this optimistic kid who is "on a roller coaster that only goes up." He refuses to deny himself pleasures in life, such as staring at a beautiful person or saying "I love you." That is a lesson we all could learn or be reminded of. I remember freaking out for about a month before my mouth finally worked before my head and the fated words came out. I was scared of how to say it and when would be a good time. Regardless of his response, it felt really good coming out. Until I began to overthink everything, which made me close up. But regardless of Hazel's silence when he says it, he stays happy. He knows that regardless of the outcome, he loved her, it was his choice, and it was his pleasure. I think when we get dumped or rejected that we forget that the feeling of love itself is a complete pleasure. The pain always outweighs the learning experience and complete euphoria of loving someone, because it seems to linger and build up negative learning experiences rather than good ones. I've had plenty of unfulfilled crushes and all I could think of as the problem was me. Like oh, he doesn't like me because I look this way, or act this way, or this or that. Which isn't true, it just wasn't meant to be. There's never been a particular reason for me not liking someone. There was this guy that I dated like immediately before Sam that I thought I really liked. He looked the part, acted the part, but he wasn't the right person. We didn't have any chemistry and I just didn't like him like that. It wasn't meant to be. I can't tell you how I fell out of liking the guys that I once liked. I just woke up one day and it was done. It was always fun though, having a crush or being in a relationship. Being able to wake up and be excited to see someone and want to share parts of your life with them. It's a rewarding experience. I didn't fully experience it until Sam. I had always had the crushes and those were kind of fun because it was like I was able to kind of admire someone without actually putting myself out there. Not putting myself out there more has to be one of my true regrets in life, because I missed out on an opportunity to have loved someone.
Gus also teaches us that we are going to get hurt, it's inevitable; however, we have the choice in who hurts us. His eulogy to Hazel is by far the most heartbreaking part of the movie, my boyfriend's favorite song was playing over the scene so I imagined Sam reading it to me and I bawled for like twenty minutes after the movie. I honestly can't imagine a world where losing him won't be one of the hardest things I will eventually go through, be it a breakup or death. It is amazing how much that idea resonated with me though. It applies to so much. If you have bad friends then you are choosing to let them hurt you and you should get rid of them. But then you have his concept of the romantic aspect where you get to love someone and then they leave you hurting, but it's a pain that came from so much happiness.
He also teaches us that the world is not a wish granting factory. Life is hard. It's meant to be hard and you're supposed to struggle. Whether that is for natural selection or just because achievements make satisfying lives, doesn't matter. The fact is that this kid who is so optimistic admits that life is hard. Which just makes all of his happiness so much more inspiring. The kid gets that life sucks when it comes down to it, but he makes it great. He makes his own happiness and he doesn't let his fake leg, the fact that Hazel was denying him so fervently, or even the fact that he was dying get him down. That is for the most part. He did break.
Hazel is like looking in a mirror that gives you cancer. She's depressed and lacks the usual spirit that lives within most young girls. She understands that she is dying and she doesn't want to hurt more people than necessary. She is a good teacher for us as well because she narrates all of these things that Gus teaches her as well as us. She shows you the change in her attitude. She even handles his death a hell of a lot better than I would have. For starters, I would have been completely incoherent through the eulogy. She's just very resolved about it all. She knows exactly what to expect and she even kind of sounds more like Gus at the very end. She was content with who broke her heart.
Honestly, the entire book and movie had me crying. When I read the book I didn't cry as much. However, I hadn't experienced love at that point so it was me crying at the death and the desire to have a love so deep. When I reread it and watched the movie, all I could think about was if Sam and I were in that situation. It was completely heartbreaking. I immediately texted him after the movie and was like "listen, you can't get a terminal illness and die because that wouldn't be fair." I see him in Gus. I see his optimism and his lessons in Gus. I see him almost physically in Ansel Elgort. But I definitely see Sam and it makes me really said when I think about how Gus had such a great personality and being and then his life was just taken from him. I was crying at IHOP after the movie and Kelsey was like "he doesn't have cancer and he isn't going to die." That's when I realized that we have such a misconception on life. We think it's going to last so long because we aren't given an exact date to expect. Tragedy happens when it wants to happen, not when we expect it. I value all the time I have with him for that reason. Especially when I've been in car accidents or when I end up in shady situations where I kind of fear for my life. These kids are told that they have a numbered days and Gus acts accordingly. He doesn't waste a single day and he lives without regrets. We think we have so long so we stop having that carefree lifestyle and we worry and over analyze things. We don't think about the good things we have, we think about the things we want. We could all use more of a Gus thought process. He's a fairly knowledgeable fictional character.
Thank you, John Green. You broke my heart, but it was a pleasure to have it broken by such a tragically beautiful love story.

Peers, Family, and Media

Insecurity is something everyone gets. We all have that something that we hate about ourselves. Some have it worse than others and it's fueled by almost everything that occurs in life.

I've struggled for a long time. They say it has to do with your environment, family, peers, and of course, the media. I can only guess where mine comes from.

I didn't have the nicest friends even from a young age. Erin was ruthless. She would exclude people on purpose and very vocally tell you that she dislikes parts of you. She even told me that I both spell and say my name wrong. She would tell me that she was Jamie's friend first and kick me out at recess. I have no idea how I remember that, but it's so vivid in my memory. So I would try to play with anyone else. That's how I became friends with the most ragtag group of people, we played pretend as Buffy the Vampire Slayer just to give you an idea. I also pretended to like Buffy just for the sake of fitting in, even though I had never seen it. To this day I haven't seen a single episode. California was a lot easier and the girls were a little nicer. Deanna and Gabby were two of the nicest girls I had ever met. Hannah wasn't as nice. She was into cheer and was being prepped for high school popularity. I wasn't. I liked to read and I found my way into the nerd herd of a Gifted and Talented students or whatever. She would also find ways to exclude me at recess. I eventually gave up. She wasn't worth the fight. When I got to Texas, I just wanted to be accepted by a vast majority of people. I became friends with Rachel, Nicole, and Kayla all at separate times. Nicole didn't want anything to do with me when Rachel liked me and vice versa. Kayla liked me at all times for the most part. Rachel was the most consistent though, despite our times of struggle. We managed to make it work through fourth grade. Fifth grade was harder for us because we had different interests. We became friends again in middle school. Yet, my friends changed again in seventh grade. It was a power struggle to keep three new friends in a balance. By this point, I desperately wanted normalcy and no more bullying. Yet, I always ended up in the middle of fights and had a hard time dealing with the changes that puberty was starting to bring. High school is what really sent us apart. Girls get worse in high school though. I was finding myself being referred to by people in some really rude ways. I was usually the "other Kara," which hurt because I felt like I was the inferior or less desired Kara. It sounds stupid but not being the original kind of blows. Girls looked at me like I wasn't good enough or pretty enough to be apart of their clique. Guys just didn't look at me in another way besides being their little sister. Most guys scoffed when they were asked if we were dating, which while it was true that we weren't dating, the scoff was uncalled for in all 5 situations. Debate was a monster too. My insecurity showed in every aspect of it. The way I stood, talked, refuted, and even greeted people. That's not even going into the social aspect. I was seeking approval and I got it from an improper gentleman who just wanted me to be there when he was lonely, but got mad when I dropped him when he got a girlfriend. Dating became a thing in high school. One guy tried to let me give him a free pass to date other girls, so I told him up his and that if he wants to date other girls then I would not be in that mix. One of the last guys of high school cheated on me. He even managed to completely hide me on social media and then passive aggressively dumped me by loading his Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook with her. That was a stab right to the chest through the heart and out the back. The next guy seriously dated me for awhile and then broke up with me by just not responding to my text one day and the ignore sesh lasted for 4 months. When I got to college, it didn't get any better. The girls still managed to look down on me like it was their favorite pastime. The guys used me as their make-out stepping stones into relationships. In fact, 4 guys did that.

So I guess family has something to do with it. I want to say that I have always unconditionally loved my family, but the truth is that I have desired to be apart of someone else's family at times. I was kind of a lonely kid through all the moves we made, especially with my mom working all the time. I wasn't involved in anything to really require me to be anywhere or criticized. Yet, I wasn't really praised like some kids are. When I made a B, it was always "why isn't that an A?" The most painful is when I was younger, I held more weight on me. Instead of coaxing me into athletics or some kind of healthy behavior, I had all the adults telling me that I was gaining weight and that I needed to try to get smaller. It didn't seem to be about health at the time. Although, I was already obsessing about how I looked, so I'm sure it was just my perception of how they were talking to me. But I feel like the same chunky 12 year old.

Media just sucks. Everyone is edited in everything and it's hard for people to get a real perception of what people actually look like. Clearly no one is perfect, yet we are exposed to what some arbitrary idea of perfection is. We all have flaws, but the media doesn't want you to think about that. We focus on what we should be instead of embracing what is unique and makes us beautiful. 

You can imagine how these things have affected me throughout the years. I have grown into this heaping pile of insecurity and it effects everything in my life. It effects my performance in school because I get defeated. It turns me into "Crazy Bitch" with my boyfriend because I feel inferior and threatened by the girls in his life. I even turn into just plain bitch who will let no one in to see just how deeply scarred she feels. 

But it needs to change. I just don't know how.

This Week

This week has gone by fairly quickly, to put it lightly anyhow. It has only gone by fast because I keep anticipating new things. This week it has been work, doctors appointments, dates, hangouts, and of course tomorrow is the Color Up 5K.
It is amazing how fast time will go if you are busy. I started off today with work, then I came home and researched different things I will need to know for my upcoming semester, and as I write this, I am preparing to go rock climbing.
Surprisingly, I am coming back to a place where my life makes sense.
I had a bit of a wake up call when I was told by my doctor that, while I am still healthy, I have lost weight since March and my blood pressure has dropped. To me, that is not healthy. I was healthy before and now I am headed in a bad direction. So instead of following through with my plan to get the perfect summer body, I am changing the plan to get the perfect healthy body, minus the perfect. I want to be fuller, skinny doesn't suit me. Instead of focusing on crazy goals, I want to focus on the things that make me happy. So excuse my craziness, but I want to try to be a happier, nicer person. That means that from here on out, I vow to not gossip, to not worry as much, and to do only the things that I enjoy. Also, I want to find good in every day. It is important to hold yourself to a standard that isn't ridiculous. You shouldn't want to be perfect, you should want to be happy and yourself.
I was really frustrated last weekend before I hung out with my boyfriend. I had found a bunch of things to be upset about and I had talked myself into believing that he doesn't like me and that I am just there to be his toy. I knew all of these things were untrue and that he actually does care about me, but I was just so upset already and I was bound to make my night horrible. That is until I began to realize that I was focusing so much on the 5% bad that I was forgetting the 95% good. So I composed myself, shook out all the negative thoughts and went out with him and our friends. I had a good time and I could actually see clearly that he cares for me. That was all I had wanted and I have the power to grant it to myself. We all have the power to grant happiness to ourselves. It isn't about what other people do, it is about how you react and deal with other people and yourself. A girl can come in and complain about my service, but I decide how to deal. I could help her, apologize, and do better next time or I could get cranky, irritable, and refuse to help anyone else that day. Clearly, I pick the first one each time just because that is what is professional. However, it applies to all things you do. I'm about to go rock climbing, I'm not great at it because I am afraid of heights so my hands get sweaty. However, I am going to do the best I can because I owe it to myself for paying money to go climb a wall with a bunch of fake rocks on the side. Also, because I can totally overcome my fear of heights. I'm going to be strapped in with a stupid harness and it isn't that far of a fall.
I guess what I am trying to say is that happiness really is a mindset. Therefore, I am changing my mindset because it isn't fun to be perpetually anxious or whatever. Sometimes you need to remember that only you can make yourself happy.

Love and Heartbreak as demonstrated by Miss Havisham

Next on my book list is Great Expectations. However, I am quite impatient. So, I caved and watched mini series with Douglas Booth. I was very enraptured by it. It was well done.

Miss Havisham is the embodiment of female crazy. She was heartbroken by the one guy who Abel Magwich wants to kill. She even says something about how your heart breaks and it feels like you're going to die but you just keep living. She has a point. That is the thing about heartbreak, you feel like you're going to die and you want to curl up into this little ball. You want to let Takotsubo overcome you. Anything to alleviate the pain. Yet, there you are. You're forced to resume life as normal. To resume it as though nothing has harmed you in life. You are to go to work, church, and all things with a smile on your face, even though all you feel is this gut wrenching pain that tears through your heart and fills your veins with a poison that is almost debilitating. That is heartbreak. She hit the nail on the head. However, most people take this pain and experience it. They let it hurt for awhile and then move on. They find another person to love, though they may be more guarded this time. Some people build up walls. Some people become cold. Yet, no one I know comes close to this woman. She goes in and asks a lawyer to find her a girl to adopt. She refuses to wear anything but her wedding dress. She doesn't comb her hair. She doesn't even clean the house, not even the bathroom. Everything is covered in cobwebs and decay. She's so fixated on this stupid man that broke her heart years ago that she completely forgets that humans feel pain. She molds this girl into a heartless heart breaker. She molds this small girl into, frankly, a complete bitch. She lets her build men into loving her and then she crushes them, deep down to their cores. Miss Havisham's goal is to build the woman that she longed to be. The woman who wouldn't have fallen so readily in love with a man who wasn't there for love. The woman who held the power and control over the man. The woman who was prepared for hurt by not actually loving. The woman who I used to be able to identify with on some level. She molded this child into a mean person, who surprisingly found someone to break her down.

The true beacon of light is Abel Magwich. A convict who lost everything and found it again in a young boy. Abel once had a wife named Molly and a little girl. He was a true family man. That is, until one of his buddies decided to try to get it on with Molly and she cut him. Molly was then put on trial for attempted murder, she was saved. Abel was left without a wife and daughter when Molly stayed with a lawyer and gave her kid up for adoption. Abel escaped and found Pip, who was nice to him when he wasn't required to. That kindness turned around and Abel took Pip in as his own by becoming a benefactor to the young man.

Might I say before starting about Pip that Douglas Booth is very attractive. Anywho, Pip is this poor orphan who upsets a bunch of people, falls in love with the wrong chick, and yet still manages to be okay. He starts out as an orphan in a house with this abusive as hell older sister, whom I hated from the first scene and her husband, Joe. Joe is a blacksmith who has this apprentice who just looks like a dirty guy and kind of grossed me out because teeth are important. Pip gets signed up to go to Miss Havisham's once a week, her goal is to break his heart. He actually falls in love with the young Estella. He gets word that he has a benefactor and moves to London. He becomes good friends with a kid he punched in the face back in the day named Herbert Pocket. His life is lavish. He loses Estella to this dick named Drummle, whom I hate as well. Drummle makes Estella a widow when the horse kicks him in face. He deserved it for whipping the horse like the abusive person he is. Pip ends up being the one that breaks down Estella's cold heart. 

Estella is a bitch. She's molded by her mother to be so. She is all about breaking hearts. She ends up being in love with Pip, so all is well in the end. 

Clearly, this is different than the book. It usually is with movies. I enjoyed it though. I found each character to be easily likable or completely disagreeable, without any gray area. 

I found myself crying at certain parts and cheering at others. I had much to say about Havisham, especially at how seemingly crazy she is. Yet, I justified it above. At least I found a way to make it make sense to myself.