That Life Story Doe

I feel like you guys read these posts without getting to really know me. 

So here's a little tidbit about me.

I was born in Peoria, IL in 1995.

Which makes me 18 years old.

I lived in Peoria Heights for a few years until my parents divorced.

After the divorce, my mom and I moved in with my grandparents, in Bartonville, IL.

My mom met a guy and we moved to Fresno, CA.

I loved Fresno actually.

Alas, they broke up and we packed up again.

This time we headed to Frisco, TX.

Finally, we stayed somewhere.

At first, when we moved around, I missed Illinois.

The thing is, it's hard to belong somewhere that you didn't really know.

I didn't know that Central Illinois wasn't a good area.

So when we finally settled in Frisco, I was stuck between liking Illinois and California.

I loved California to be honest.

The nature and the cities, they all blend so well together.

In the first year, I never took the time to like Texas.

It actually took me three years before I began to like it.

Now I can't say that the first 8 years of my life changed me, as I don't remember them.

So we'll continue at age 9 in Texas.

I was an awkward child who already had crushes on the cute boys.

It had never been hard for me to make friends, but it was still weird.

I found a best friend in Rachel.

I think I liked her the best out of the elementary-middle school besties.

She was kind of a worry-wart, but she also knew what it was like to be a kid.

We didn't begin to worry about looking pretty, we worried about the latest games and shows to watch.

We would spend hours on the trampoline, not the mall.

It was fun.

But we parted ways in middle school.

I became friends with girls who actually cared about appearances and I soon felt very inadequate.

When you recognize the shallowness around you, you can actually begin to sink.

I wasn't a cute kid.

I'll be the first to admit that. And from the time I was 12, I let that define me.

Even as I changed and grew up, I was marked with an ugliness that I couldn't get rid of.

Low Self Esteem.

It's the easiest and ugliest ailment around.

I wasn't even a teenager when I began to feel like I wasn't enough.

I looked at Seventeen magazine and watched all these movies and realized that girls are supposed to be thin, and have this flawless skin, and beautiful hair.

It wasn't me.

I wasn't thin for starters, I'm still not the "ideal." But I am healthy.

I don't have perfect skin, I stress out and break out all the time.

My hair is actually comparable.

But I didn't realize that it takes more than just your outside to be beautiful.

When you are fed ads and other types of media, it's hard to keep in mind that everyone is different.

That the models don't look like the models.

You could say that I entered Girl World completely unprepared.

Luckily I had my mom.

However, I only let her know that I was insecure once in 8th grade.

I don't think she knew the severity of it or the potential longevity of it.

I spent the next 5 years navigating middle school, high school, and girl world.

I never felt good enough, in anything that I did.

My grades were good, but they weren't perfect.

When it got into my grades, I realized that the insecurity would only spread and get worse.

I changed friends though during Junior year.

I went from three girls to a completely different just one.

I kept my boys though.

When I first met Kelsey, we were deskmates in Chemistry, sophomore year.

She drew and sang a lot, but it was fun to have a friend in that class. However, we didn't hang out outside of class that year.

Junior year we had several classes together and group projects.

Once we began hanging out, it was clear that we'd be best friends.

We spent most of our time together and I grew away from the people I thought were my best friends.

Which was okay, because there was drama there anyway.

A lot talking behind backs and not having my back kind of shit that I wasn't down for.

Anyway, Kelsey quickly became a good best friend. She even had my back when I didn't.

She also constantly pushed me to be more confident and worked with me through a lot of things that I didn't think I could handle.

I actually think I owe it to her for why I am not completely insecure anymore.

Not completely.

I still have my moments.

Freshman year of college is hard though.

I'm getting my footing along the lines of living on my own, getting good grades, studying, and even navigating all sorts of relationships.

I found that the key to shattering insecurity is to focus on the good. 

It sounds cheesy and like everything you've heard before, but I promise you. It is the only thing that you can do.

I started by focusing on what I had and what I was thankful for.

I listed everything I could think of.

I am thankful for my family, the people who are always there for me.

More specifically, my mom, who is my best friend through everything. My nurse and my nurturer, she is the best mom I could have asked for.

I mentioned my brother, my stepdad, my dad, my stepmom, my mimi, my papa, and even my older half-brother.

I am thankful for my friends.

I mentioned Kelsey, who is an obvious choice of person to be thankful for.

I mentioned Jasmine, Brooke, Josh, Evan, and several others.

I am thankful to be able to go to school.

I am thankful for the food I eat.

I am thankful for the clothes I wear.

For the water I drink.

I am thankful for the guy who accepts me when I don't think I am good enough.

Once I got these things down, I moved on to the things about myself that I am thankful for.

I am thankful that I actually am pretty smart. I rocked that honor roll life for several years, then it turned into honor societies and began to be too much.

I am thankful that I have an ability to make others laugh.

I am thankful that I know how to take care of others.

I found things like that about myself that made me feel better about myself.

Once I made a list, I just reminded myself.

I had to forget the bad though too.

I couldn't just leave it at bringing myself up, I had to destroy what could bring me down.

So like any angsty teenager, I just developed a "IDGAF" attitude and stopped caring.

Insecurity flourishes when you have the spotlight effect.

I had to realize that no one cares about me or what I do. 

Sure, there will be a few people who take notice of my weird dance when I'm happy, or the way I eat my sandwiches, or even the way I walk.

But, none of that matters to anyone but me.

That's kind of been the journey til now.

Now I'm in my second semester, I've changed my major twice, and I think I've got it.

I've made a really great group of friends who I can tell most anything to.

I have a roommate who not only puts up with my shit, but actually accepts it and doesn't judge me. And she's a great friend, which is a bonus.

I've finally figured out most of the loopholes of college.

I've figured out classes and studying.

I've figured out that you can't force relationships or emotions.

I've figured out that one door opens to another.

I've figured out that one beginning is some other beginning's end.

I have found my place. At least my place for now.

It's a comfortable place, that generally requires at the most pajama pants.

I couldn't have asked for a better life.

It has had its twists and turns, its ups and downs, and everything in between.

These unfortunate events have only led me to a place that is like a beacon of light in the middle of darkness.

That was cheesy.

The broken road that led me straight to you. Just kidding.

But really.

All these "bad" things will lead to better things and life just works that way.

That's all I've got for a life story, but that's actually a lot more than you need.

But there you have it, and I've spared you on the boyfriend talk.

A Little Evangelism, while trying to figure out life

The thing about worrying is that it's kind of completely pointless.

If you can't do anything about it, then you can't worry because it will happen regardless.

If you can do something, then you should do it, therefore not worry about it.

Say you are worried about a test.

You can study.

So study and don't worry about it, because you've done what you could.

Say you are worried about someone cheating on you.

They'll do it whether you like it or not.

You can't do anything about it.

Therefore, you shouldn't worry about it.

They made their choice and you have to realize it wasn't meant to be and move on.

Say you are worried about someone dying.

It will happen in it's own time and whenever it happens is when it was meant to happen.

Now I'm not really viewed as a religious person.

I believe in God, but I don't go to church.

I believe in God, but I support Gay Rights.

I believe in God, but I am Pro-Choice.

I believe in God, but I believe in science.

I'm a biology major, therefore I am a Satanist in some people's minds. But the truth is, I need God just as much as the next person. And I believe that God is the only one who knows my plan.

I want to be an oncologist when I get done with school, and I believe that God will only take me there if that's where I am meant to be.

When I begin to worry, the only thing that can bring me back to happiness and a calm manner is reminding myself that God knows what he's doing.

When I stress about a test, I remember that God has my back and won't give me something I can't handle. Like my biology test, I studied and still thought I was going to fail, but I got a B.

When I stress about my boyfriend or exes, I remind myself that God knows what is best for me and he will, in his own way, help me out. Even if it's not what I want. He guides me from guy to guy, you could say that He guydes me. Ha, puns. He knows who I am going to marry, and he shows me through other guys what I don't want in a husband. He shows me that I want someone that I can make successful children with, just like science would like. He shows me that sometimes breaking up is the best thing, because I can do better and he's guiding me to someone who is better.

All of this guidance helps lead you to a better life, the life that you are supposed to live.

I don't mean to God dump on your computer screen, it actually wasn't where I was going. But it's what I believe. I believe that knowing God and believing that He knows what he's doing is the best and most rewarding stress reliever that's not on the market. 

I have to remember to take a step back and let God guide me to where I belong.

Right now, He has me at a great school, with great friends, an awesome roommate, and some questionable food, oh and I guess a pretty good boyfriend. He even gave me my family, who I wouldn't trade for the world. I'd say that He knows what He's doing, simply based on the blessings He's given me. 

Letting Go

It's been said that talking about your feelings can help. 

I'm the kind of person who holds on to too much. It's been almost a year since my second to last relationship and I still think about it, not good thoughts. 

So here's the dizzle, this kid was kind of the first guy that I liked who liked me back. It started off weird. First of all, my first sign should have been that he was willing to go on a date with me after I added him on Facebook like it was immediate gratification.

Well I should start from the beginning.

My elementary school was having a reunion, of which only one of my teachers was going to be there. It was worth it. I got to see a lot of people and reminisce about the good old days of recess and nap time, and the think track. There was this tall, mysterious guy who looked fairly familiar even though I knew I had never met him. I was about to talk to him when he left.

It seemed to fate when I found his Facebook under the suggested friends side bar. So I added him. I figured in today's age that it would be one of those simple things that if it didn't work, it wouldn't be hard to recover from. He accepted me within 2 hours and we started a conversation. The following Friday we went on a date. 

I am not one to kiss on a first date, but it felt decently comfortable. Our first date actually ended up lasting 12 hours. HOURS. It was fun, I actually met one of my soon to be good friends there, Brian. His family was great, his dog was great, and his friends were great. He's a rich kid, so he had this huge house that could fit 2 or 3 of my houses, with a huge backyard that could comfortably fit 5 horses. I wasn't into it. I don't do rich. Swanky things are not my forte, I'm a girl that spends time in shorts and a t-shirt hanging out at the ballpark. I'm more beer than I am wine. Yet, all of this extravagance didn't matter because I thought I really liked him. 

We never put a label on what we are even though it was assumed that we were together. 

Two weeks passed and the only thing that I could say I liked about him would be his face and his kisses. Other than that, he wasn't too brilliant and he lacked a good sense of humor. I was getting bored quickly but I didn't want to give up the attractive guy that my mom seemed to like. 

One night, before he left for a weekend, he said the words "I think I'm in love with you." I'm a fairly practical person, so when he said this after such a short period of time, I couldn't help but stifle a laugh. I wasn't about to love this kid, I could barely say that I liked him, let alone love.

He left for the weekend, before I could dump him but after I had time to worry about him cheating on me before I could dump him.

He came back, didn't text me regularly and was about to pull the whole distancing himself thing. 

I definitely was not about to just wait until he stopped talking to me entirely, so I asked him what was up. 

He said he didn't want to cheat on me and that he's still in love with the girl he spent the weekend with.

Later, I found out that they actually did do the diddly doo.

This has stuck with me.

But it's time to let it go. 

Here's why...

First, there were no redeeming parts to the kid at all.

Second, we obviously weren't meant to be if it didn't last.

Third, he clearly has troubles somewhere in his life.

Fourth, he is not every guy. He does not determine if another guy will cheat on me or if they will be faithful til the end. 

I'm forgiving him for this. It's not my fault that he left me and I know that he's sorry. Even if he doesn't, it's okay because there is nothing I could have or can do about it now. I forgive him because I have nothing else to do and because it is pointless to let something in the past bother me to this day. He's moved on and I need to get over this problem as well.

I'm taking the step that some people think is a dick move. I'm deleting him from most aspects of my life. He doesn't need to be what I see on my instagram because we aren't even friends. 

Breaking the Habits

I've always felt lucky. I am fairly lucky, I have a fabulous family, great friends, and now I have a fantastic boyfriend. But having these things makes me feel bad for taking several things for granted.

I am apart of the entitled generation called "millennials." We are the the generation of "me, myself, and I," we want what we want and won't accept anything else. 

Saying that my generation makes me sad could be seen as hypocritical because I am guilty of the faults included. However, that does not stop me from being sadden by my peers.

Between the entitlement that kids my age feel about the laws, relationships, and several other daily occurrences, I begin to feel that they don't understand how they sound.

Which is why I like to try to focus on the things I do have.

First of all, I'm attending college. This is probably one of the simple, yet very expensive things, that I sometimes take for granted. My parents didn't get degrees when they were my age, so it is very special that I get to further my education. I also thank my parents that they are willing to help make this possible.

I have an amazing family. My mom is my best friend. I can tell her anything. She is always there for me and she's more understanding than I could have ever hoped for. She will bend over backwards for me and I really appreciate all she does. My little brother is the greatest little kid while also being annoying at times. He's a great little 5 year old and I love spending time with him. My stepdad is probably the coolest guy I could have gotten as a stepdad. He always knows how to fix a situation. He's very intelligent and I would even consider him to be a great second dad. My Mimi is the best ever. Being my only grandmother, we're pretty close. When I was young we lived with my grandparents, and she's been the coolest. She does more for me than I could ever fathom and she doesn't even expect a thank you, although they are readily accepted. My dad is pretty cool. He thinks he's big and bad, but he would do anything for me. We've had a rough few years. You know how mothers and daughters relationships are supposed to get strained? I think that's happening with us. My stepmom is more of a friend. She's easy to talk to and I can tell her the goings on in my life that I can't really tell my dad. My Papa should also be listed, because even though he passed, he was and is and will always be a very important part of my life. He was my bestest buddy when I was a little girl and he inspires me. When I am feeling down, I ask myself what he would think of me. He makes me want to be a better person. He also makes me want to strengthen my relationship with God. 

My friends are the strangest, craziest people you will ever meet. There's Kelsey... I'm not sayin she's crazy, but I'm also not sure of her sanity. I'm just playin, although she is ADD. But that doesn't define our friendship. In the past 4 years, she has become the best friend that I ever could have asked for. She has helped me grow as a person and to see things in a different way. She's helped me break down a lot of insecurities and she was there for me even when I wasn't there for myself. I don't know how to thank her for the endless times that she's come to my house when I wasn't feeling well or drove me to some far off place just to get my mind off things. She will make an amazing wife to someone one day and I hope she finds her perfect man, because she's a great person and deserves it. Jasmine has become a great friend to me in the few months that we've known each other. If it wasn't for Bear, we wouldn't even know each other. She says awkward a lot, but it's okay because she does get stuck in a lot of awkward situations. She's probably the most outrageous person just because she has a huge personality. She knows how to have a good time and she's a lot like me. She's got her broken, insecure parts that just need some love. I think our similarities are what makes us get along so well. We just understand each other. She's a really caring person. She's willing to talk to you whenever you have a bad day, even if it's super late at night. Brooke is the single best roommate I could have received. She's the perfect amount of funny and understanding. She knows what to say to cheer you up, even if she says she doesn't. She is respectful of your space and is willing to change things up to make it easier for you. She gets that being roommates is about compromise. Plus she's just fun to be around and actually enjoys talking. There's Evan back home, who has been my best guy friend since freshman year. He's really a great guy, even though he acts like a total dick sometimes. There's Carl here who is a great friend to party with but also an equally great friend to just chill with. There's Bear who is a really thoughtful guy. Orlando who is actually really funny once you crack open his shell. Brian who is amazing and I'm glad I got to still be friends with him after Josh and I broke up. Alex who is actually really funny, even when he's joking about Sam and I. And several others who have made being in college a great experience.

Then there is Sam. Who can also be called Samuel L Jackson, Samuel Adams, or his real name Samuel McBroom. But really, Samonella is my favorite, even though I usually just call him Sam or Sammy. I have to thank Kelsey for making it possible to meet him. At first I thought he was going to be a douche because he's attractive. Boy, was I wrong... He's actually significantly more amazing than I had imagined. By now, I bet you have guessed that he's the boyfriend right? He is. He's super cheesy and makes me smile, even when he's not with me. He could be the best guy I've ever met. Which sounds super lovey-dovey, but I'm not in love. I just really like him. He makes me want to be a better person. Unlike Josh, he makes me want to be nicer to people, to grow as a person, to be better on the inside rather than to look more like a supermodel. It's eyeopening to be with someone like Sam. You realize the way you've been acting lately. I realized that I had been gaining confidence before him, but despite my bump on Monday, I'm still gaining that confidence. He doesn't ever pick at me or try to make me realize my faults. Instead, you can tell where he's accepted those faults as apart of me that he likes. Which is weird for me, after hating those parts of myself, to have them just taken in by another as something that's quirky or cute. I'm starting to sound cheesy and gushy, which I am currently. It's because I'm finally happy. 

I can say that by counting my blessings and being grateful for all these things that I can finally say that I am genuinely happy after years of focusing on everything "bad" in my life.

I was focusing on the things that I felt entitled to, such as having a perfect body or the hottest boyfriend.

Focusing on the good things will bring good into your life. I realize that my life isn't perfect, but the imperfections don't matter to me anymore. I have so many things to be thankful for. Why would I want to waste my time on my old ways? 

Stressed Out to the Max, Yo

So this week has been rather stressful, if I do say so myself. It doesn't help that Valentine's Day is a mere day away!

Here's the deal.

Monday, I woke up from a terrible dream that gave me more worries than it should have. The past can fuck you up, but it's also just the past. It's already happened, so why should I let it hold me back? Sure, maybe the last guy was terrible. A handsy, horny, teenage boy who didn't respect me enough to break up with me before sleeping with someone else. But that doesn't mean that the new guy will be like him. He isn't like him. He is by far the best guy I've been with and that's not an understatement. I've had a pretty rocky past with the choosing of the men. This kid though... He opens doors for me, he didn't go out with his friends because he wanted to hang out with me, he respects my boundaries, he respects me in general, he has all the qualities on the lists of like chivalrous boyfriends or whatever that most girl bloggers write about. He's a good egg. 

I woke up with a lot of insecurities, and I'll admit, I handled it fairly poorly. I was super emotional to begin with, mind you I only got maybe 3 hours of sleep and didn't eat a majority of the day. It was going to be rough. Luckily, regardless of my poor handling, I managed to talk it out with him and I realized that I'm being incredibly ridiculous. 

Tuesday, while being better with my boyfriend, was worse with class. I realized how ill-prepared I am as a molecular biology major when I noticed that the bioenergetics problems were kicking my ass. Which thus ensued a slight breakdown before heading to Poultry Science lab, where I zoned out while discussing biosecurity.. 

Today wasn't bad actually. I'm more at peace with the fact that this is a stressful week. But my weekend begins tomorrow after I finish the history test. Then I can go back to my dorm. I can nap. I can get prepared for Friday by doing my nails or spray tanning my legs, thanks to Sally Hansen for helping the pasty people out. I can even just watch an excessive amount of television by myself. 

But right now, I'm finishing up this entry, listening to Whitney Houston very loudly and getting prepared for bed. I have an intense desire to watch About Time. Rachel McAdams is just perfection.

Personal Update

I have a boyfriend and he makes me very happy.

I have written and erased a long version of this. But I don't want to overshare anything yet. 

He is cheesy though and I love it.

Valentine's Day

So, y'all...

For the first time in the history of my entire eighteen years of existence, I have a date on Valentine's Day. 

As you know, I loathe Valentine's Day for the overwhelming consumerism that it spawns. Seriously, why the hell do I need to pay double for candy that you're going to sell for half off after the sacred day. Not only is the chocolate overpriced, but so is everything else. 

Don't get me wrong, there are aspects that I love about Valentine's Day. I mean first of all, I am a teenage girl who watches an excessive amount of Romantic Comedies. You could say I love love. But I mean I really do. However, I have never said "I love you," in a relationship. Ever. It's been said to me 3 times. I am not a terrible person, I just can't lie like that. 

I also love stuffed animals, mainly as bulk for my bed. I feel the need to be surrounded when I sleep. What can I say? I'm used to sleeping with a Great Dane. 

I HATE when people pay for me. Mainly because I don't like having a debt to someone. I mean, dates are like this weird thing where you willing let someone else buy you stuff as a sign of affection. I mean I do it, I buy the people I love stuff. I want them to know I care. But it's weird. I'm supposed to be the one that cares, not someone else. 

That being said, I've never had the double whammy of having someone pay for you and having it be the single most over-dramatically romantic day. 

It's a formal. 

A formal for a fraternity. So it isn't like red wine and fancy dinner necessarily. 

But it's still a Valentine's thing. And I have to dress up, which is not my favorite activity. Plus, I ordered four dresses and CANNOT for the life of me pick which one. It would help if Spool 72 wasn't the most amazing store ever. 

So here are the possible prospects for the evening.. 

Such sparkle. Much beads. Wow.

Such fitted. Many sequins. Wow.

Such boobs. Much studs. Wow.

Such color. Much sleeves. Wow.

I decided on the shoes...

Well, technically I chose my Steve Maddens, but these were a close runner up. They're actually super similar, except my Maddens are stilettos.

Then comes the makeup and hair... Much more difficult.

Hair is not my specialty. Luckily, however, it is my friend's specialty.

But what about my makeup? What am I even supposed to look like??

Simple-ish??

Or do I need to go all out?

Maybe even add some glitter?

I mean I guess I'll figure out. I'm slightly stressed. 

But hey, at least we're cute together, right?

As y'all know, none of these pictures are mine. Thanks online.

And Happy Early Valentine's Day!