That Life Story Doe

I feel like you guys read these posts without getting to really know me. 

So here's a little tidbit about me.

I was born in Peoria, IL in 1995.

Which makes me 18 years old.

I lived in Peoria Heights for a few years until my parents divorced.

After the divorce, my mom and I moved in with my grandparents, in Bartonville, IL.

My mom met a guy and we moved to Fresno, CA.

I loved Fresno actually.

Alas, they broke up and we packed up again.

This time we headed to Frisco, TX.

Finally, we stayed somewhere.

At first, when we moved around, I missed Illinois.

The thing is, it's hard to belong somewhere that you didn't really know.

I didn't know that Central Illinois wasn't a good area.

So when we finally settled in Frisco, I was stuck between liking Illinois and California.

I loved California to be honest.

The nature and the cities, they all blend so well together.

In the first year, I never took the time to like Texas.

It actually took me three years before I began to like it.

Now I can't say that the first 8 years of my life changed me, as I don't remember them.

So we'll continue at age 9 in Texas.

I was an awkward child who already had crushes on the cute boys.

It had never been hard for me to make friends, but it was still weird.

I found a best friend in Rachel.

I think I liked her the best out of the elementary-middle school besties.

She was kind of a worry-wart, but she also knew what it was like to be a kid.

We didn't begin to worry about looking pretty, we worried about the latest games and shows to watch.

We would spend hours on the trampoline, not the mall.

It was fun.

But we parted ways in middle school.

I became friends with girls who actually cared about appearances and I soon felt very inadequate.

When you recognize the shallowness around you, you can actually begin to sink.

I wasn't a cute kid.

I'll be the first to admit that. And from the time I was 12, I let that define me.

Even as I changed and grew up, I was marked with an ugliness that I couldn't get rid of.

Low Self Esteem.

It's the easiest and ugliest ailment around.

I wasn't even a teenager when I began to feel like I wasn't enough.

I looked at Seventeen magazine and watched all these movies and realized that girls are supposed to be thin, and have this flawless skin, and beautiful hair.

It wasn't me.

I wasn't thin for starters, I'm still not the "ideal." But I am healthy.

I don't have perfect skin, I stress out and break out all the time.

My hair is actually comparable.

But I didn't realize that it takes more than just your outside to be beautiful.

When you are fed ads and other types of media, it's hard to keep in mind that everyone is different.

That the models don't look like the models.

You could say that I entered Girl World completely unprepared.

Luckily I had my mom.

However, I only let her know that I was insecure once in 8th grade.

I don't think she knew the severity of it or the potential longevity of it.

I spent the next 5 years navigating middle school, high school, and girl world.

I never felt good enough, in anything that I did.

My grades were good, but they weren't perfect.

When it got into my grades, I realized that the insecurity would only spread and get worse.

I changed friends though during Junior year.

I went from three girls to a completely different just one.

I kept my boys though.

When I first met Kelsey, we were deskmates in Chemistry, sophomore year.

She drew and sang a lot, but it was fun to have a friend in that class. However, we didn't hang out outside of class that year.

Junior year we had several classes together and group projects.

Once we began hanging out, it was clear that we'd be best friends.

We spent most of our time together and I grew away from the people I thought were my best friends.

Which was okay, because there was drama there anyway.

A lot talking behind backs and not having my back kind of shit that I wasn't down for.

Anyway, Kelsey quickly became a good best friend. She even had my back when I didn't.

She also constantly pushed me to be more confident and worked with me through a lot of things that I didn't think I could handle.

I actually think I owe it to her for why I am not completely insecure anymore.

Not completely.

I still have my moments.

Freshman year of college is hard though.

I'm getting my footing along the lines of living on my own, getting good grades, studying, and even navigating all sorts of relationships.

I found that the key to shattering insecurity is to focus on the good. 

It sounds cheesy and like everything you've heard before, but I promise you. It is the only thing that you can do.

I started by focusing on what I had and what I was thankful for.

I listed everything I could think of.

I am thankful for my family, the people who are always there for me.

More specifically, my mom, who is my best friend through everything. My nurse and my nurturer, she is the best mom I could have asked for.

I mentioned my brother, my stepdad, my dad, my stepmom, my mimi, my papa, and even my older half-brother.

I am thankful for my friends.

I mentioned Kelsey, who is an obvious choice of person to be thankful for.

I mentioned Jasmine, Brooke, Josh, Evan, and several others.

I am thankful to be able to go to school.

I am thankful for the food I eat.

I am thankful for the clothes I wear.

For the water I drink.

I am thankful for the guy who accepts me when I don't think I am good enough.

Once I got these things down, I moved on to the things about myself that I am thankful for.

I am thankful that I actually am pretty smart. I rocked that honor roll life for several years, then it turned into honor societies and began to be too much.

I am thankful that I have an ability to make others laugh.

I am thankful that I know how to take care of others.

I found things like that about myself that made me feel better about myself.

Once I made a list, I just reminded myself.

I had to forget the bad though too.

I couldn't just leave it at bringing myself up, I had to destroy what could bring me down.

So like any angsty teenager, I just developed a "IDGAF" attitude and stopped caring.

Insecurity flourishes when you have the spotlight effect.

I had to realize that no one cares about me or what I do. 

Sure, there will be a few people who take notice of my weird dance when I'm happy, or the way I eat my sandwiches, or even the way I walk.

But, none of that matters to anyone but me.

That's kind of been the journey til now.

Now I'm in my second semester, I've changed my major twice, and I think I've got it.

I've made a really great group of friends who I can tell most anything to.

I have a roommate who not only puts up with my shit, but actually accepts it and doesn't judge me. And she's a great friend, which is a bonus.

I've finally figured out most of the loopholes of college.

I've figured out classes and studying.

I've figured out that you can't force relationships or emotions.

I've figured out that one door opens to another.

I've figured out that one beginning is some other beginning's end.

I have found my place. At least my place for now.

It's a comfortable place, that generally requires at the most pajama pants.

I couldn't have asked for a better life.

It has had its twists and turns, its ups and downs, and everything in between.

These unfortunate events have only led me to a place that is like a beacon of light in the middle of darkness.

That was cheesy.

The broken road that led me straight to you. Just kidding.

But really.

All these "bad" things will lead to better things and life just works that way.

That's all I've got for a life story, but that's actually a lot more than you need.

But there you have it, and I've spared you on the boyfriend talk.