This week has gone by fairly quickly, to put it lightly anyhow. It has only gone by fast because I keep anticipating new things. This week it has been work, doctors appointments, dates, hangouts, and of course tomorrow is the Color Up 5K.
It is amazing how fast time will go if you are busy. I started off today with work, then I came home and researched different things I will need to know for my upcoming semester, and as I write this, I am preparing to go rock climbing.
Surprisingly, I am coming back to a place where my life makes sense.
I had a bit of a wake up call when I was told by my doctor that, while I am still healthy, I have lost weight since March and my blood pressure has dropped. To me, that is not healthy. I was healthy before and now I am headed in a bad direction. So instead of following through with my plan to get the perfect summer body, I am changing the plan to get the perfect healthy body, minus the perfect. I want to be fuller, skinny doesn't suit me. Instead of focusing on crazy goals, I want to focus on the things that make me happy. So excuse my craziness, but I want to try to be a happier, nicer person. That means that from here on out, I vow to not gossip, to not worry as much, and to do only the things that I enjoy. Also, I want to find good in every day. It is important to hold yourself to a standard that isn't ridiculous. You shouldn't want to be perfect, you should want to be happy and yourself.
I was really frustrated last weekend before I hung out with my boyfriend. I had found a bunch of things to be upset about and I had talked myself into believing that he doesn't like me and that I am just there to be his toy. I knew all of these things were untrue and that he actually does care about me, but I was just so upset already and I was bound to make my night horrible. That is until I began to realize that I was focusing so much on the 5% bad that I was forgetting the 95% good. So I composed myself, shook out all the negative thoughts and went out with him and our friends. I had a good time and I could actually see clearly that he cares for me. That was all I had wanted and I have the power to grant it to myself. We all have the power to grant happiness to ourselves. It isn't about what other people do, it is about how you react and deal with other people and yourself. A girl can come in and complain about my service, but I decide how to deal. I could help her, apologize, and do better next time or I could get cranky, irritable, and refuse to help anyone else that day. Clearly, I pick the first one each time just because that is what is professional. However, it applies to all things you do. I'm about to go rock climbing, I'm not great at it because I am afraid of heights so my hands get sweaty. However, I am going to do the best I can because I owe it to myself for paying money to go climb a wall with a bunch of fake rocks on the side. Also, because I can totally overcome my fear of heights. I'm going to be strapped in with a stupid harness and it isn't that far of a fall.
I guess what I am trying to say is that happiness really is a mindset. Therefore, I am changing my mindset because it isn't fun to be perpetually anxious or whatever. Sometimes you need to remember that only you can make yourself happy.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Love and Heartbreak as demonstrated by Miss Havisham
Next on my book list is Great Expectations. However, I am quite impatient. So, I caved and watched mini series with Douglas Booth. I was very enraptured by it. It was well done.
Miss Havisham is the embodiment of female crazy. She was heartbroken by the one guy who Abel Magwich wants to kill. She even says something about how your heart breaks and it feels like you're going to die but you just keep living. She has a point. That is the thing about heartbreak, you feel like you're going to die and you want to curl up into this little ball. You want to let Takotsubo overcome you. Anything to alleviate the pain. Yet, there you are. You're forced to resume life as normal. To resume it as though nothing has harmed you in life. You are to go to work, church, and all things with a smile on your face, even though all you feel is this gut wrenching pain that tears through your heart and fills your veins with a poison that is almost debilitating. That is heartbreak. She hit the nail on the head. However, most people take this pain and experience it. They let it hurt for awhile and then move on. They find another person to love, though they may be more guarded this time. Some people build up walls. Some people become cold. Yet, no one I know comes close to this woman. She goes in and asks a lawyer to find her a girl to adopt. She refuses to wear anything but her wedding dress. She doesn't comb her hair. She doesn't even clean the house, not even the bathroom. Everything is covered in cobwebs and decay. She's so fixated on this stupid man that broke her heart years ago that she completely forgets that humans feel pain. She molds this girl into a heartless heart breaker. She molds this small girl into, frankly, a complete bitch. She lets her build men into loving her and then she crushes them, deep down to their cores. Miss Havisham's goal is to build the woman that she longed to be. The woman who wouldn't have fallen so readily in love with a man who wasn't there for love. The woman who held the power and control over the man. The woman who was prepared for hurt by not actually loving. The woman who I used to be able to identify with on some level. She molded this child into a mean person, who surprisingly found someone to break her down.
The true beacon of light is Abel Magwich. A convict who lost everything and found it again in a young boy. Abel once had a wife named Molly and a little girl. He was a true family man. That is, until one of his buddies decided to try to get it on with Molly and she cut him. Molly was then put on trial for attempted murder, she was saved. Abel was left without a wife and daughter when Molly stayed with a lawyer and gave her kid up for adoption. Abel escaped and found Pip, who was nice to him when he wasn't required to. That kindness turned around and Abel took Pip in as his own by becoming a benefactor to the young man.
Might I say before starting about Pip that Douglas Booth is very attractive. Anywho, Pip is this poor orphan who upsets a bunch of people, falls in love with the wrong chick, and yet still manages to be okay. He starts out as an orphan in a house with this abusive as hell older sister, whom I hated from the first scene and her husband, Joe. Joe is a blacksmith who has this apprentice who just looks like a dirty guy and kind of grossed me out because teeth are important. Pip gets signed up to go to Miss Havisham's once a week, her goal is to break his heart. He actually falls in love with the young Estella. He gets word that he has a benefactor and moves to London. He becomes good friends with a kid he punched in the face back in the day named Herbert Pocket. His life is lavish. He loses Estella to this dick named Drummle, whom I hate as well. Drummle makes Estella a widow when the horse kicks him in face. He deserved it for whipping the horse like the abusive person he is. Pip ends up being the one that breaks down Estella's cold heart.
Estella is a bitch. She's molded by her mother to be so. She is all about breaking hearts. She ends up being in love with Pip, so all is well in the end.
Clearly, this is different than the book. It usually is with movies. I enjoyed it though. I found each character to be easily likable or completely disagreeable, without any gray area.
I found myself crying at certain parts and cheering at others. I had much to say about Havisham, especially at how seemingly crazy she is. Yet, I justified it above. At least I found a way to make it make sense to myself.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Change of Events
I get mad.
Not even.
I get frustrated.
I get frustrated because I am dating this guy. He's attractive inside and out. He's tall with blue eyes and dark hair. Yet, he's more than that. His personality is hard to beat. He knows how to make someone smile. He at least knows how to make me smile. He is patient, kind, and reflects how love is described in the first Corinthians. It's hard to see why anyone would not want to be around him.
Yet, I get nervous when other girls do want to spend time with him. I feel threatened and I get jealous. It is nasty and I lose my Corinthians inspiration by becoming envious. I lose my patience. I begin to over-think things and wonder if I really am enough for him.
I wonder if he ever looks at his friends and wonder what it would be like to be dating her instead of me.
I wonder if he ever wishes I were prettier, or smarter, or better in anyway.
And after all of my wondering, I cry.
I never take the chance to look in the mirror and see what is before me.
God's creation.
Yes, based off of human actions, I was a mistake.
But to God, I am a masterpiece of His own creation.
Being God's child makes me enough.
I am here, I am living, breathing, and doing the best I can. Yet what do I do? I question the Lord and tear apart his masterpiece bit by bit, leaving nothing left but a broken canvas of a person.
I feel as though we often forget why we are here.
I know I do. I push Him away, because I feel like He doesn't want to help me. However, this is not the case. I push Him to send me down the path that I have chosen for myself, instead of being willing to follow His path for me. I forget to let Him be in charge of the things I can't control and I hold on tighter and tighter until I can't hold on any longer.
It is exhausting to push the only entity that can help me through anything away.
I shouldn't push. I should relent. I should give up all of my worries and pain and suffering. I should give into the Lord, because He really does strengthen.
He does not want to see me suffer. In fact, I am sure that I hurt Him greatly with each tear that is shed over something out of my control.
If Sam and I are meant to be, then the Lord will make it so.
However, if we are not, then that is not His path for me.
As much as I want to believe that I can control everything, I cannot. I am a mere human. I can hardly carry a suitcase of clothing up three flights of stairs, how could I possibly control everything in my life?
It is hard. Life is difficult.
I need to get over that and let myself become one with God again.
He is who is important.
He is who I need reassurance from.
He is who I am going back to.
Hide and Seek
I have lost myself.
I thought I was hiding in my boyfriend's room. However, when I looked she wasn't there.
I thought I was hiding at the bottom of a cup of tea. However, I wasn't there either.
I thought I was hiding at the local coffee shop. However, all I found was hipsters.
I thought I was hiding in the library. However, all I found were sad teenagers.
I thought I was hiding in my room, under a pile of essays. However, the essays held no truth.
I thought I was hiding on the couch. However, all that was there was a pile of crumbs.
I thought I was hiding under my desk. However, all I found was trash.
I thought that I could find myself in places. However, I can only find myself in people.
I am in my mother, who nurtured and raised me to be who I am today, and taught me how to forgive.
I am in my father, who protects me even though he is miles away.
I am in my Mimi, who taught me how to be a lady and caretaker.
I am in my Papa, who taught me how to be strong, even though I sometimes forget.
I am in my little brother, who teaches me how to have patience.
I am in my dog, who teaches me just what it is like to share a bed with a larger entity.
I am in Kelsey, who has been my guide through many of my struggles.
I am in Jasmine, who reflects who I am by being similar to me.
I am in my stepdad, who has taught me what is it like to grow up and be an adult.
I am in my stepmom, who has taught me how to let go.
I am in Sam, who works with me and has taught me what it is like to love someone non-platonically.
I am in myself. In spite of all of my searching, I know I am in myself. Somewhere, being repressed by my years of insecurity, waiting to come forth and expose myself. I have not quite found myself on the full scale level; however, I believe that it is possible. I might even turn to God for help on this one, instead of letting my arrogance show and denying His help.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
To the Boy I Just Said "I Love You" to... Here's my side
I have to admit, that's not the way I intended it to come out. When you jokingly said "why do you hate me?" I didn't mean to respond with "I don't hate you, I love you."
At least, that's not what I wanted the first time saying the words to be. And I didn't want them to sound so insincere, because, frankly, I do love you.
I wanted to tell you that I love you in some grand gesture sort of way, or at the right time, or even in response to you saying it first.
I have wanted to tell you for the past month.
I am sorry that I didn't put it out there in the appropriate way.
Before you have a chance to say that I don't mean it, give me a chance to tell you all the ways I love you.
I love the way you look when you wake up. Groggy with messy hair and a weak smile.
I love the way you make it your first mission to pull me in closer when you first wake up, even if I am trying to leave the bed.
I love the way you always take a break from homework to creep into bed just to say hi.
I love the way you hold me tight when I get stressed, instead of freaking out.
I love the way you are particular about your clothes, at least your t-shirts.
I love the way you smile when I'm wrong, but don't smile or laugh when I cry.
I love the way you work with me and have a large amount of patience with me.
I love the way you don't judge my morning breath or my snoring.
I love the way you snore, it's kind of cute.
I love the way you make me laugh, even if you don't have to say anything. Especially when you don't have to say anything.
I love the way you make me smile, even if it's just because I got to see you.
I love the way you push me to be the best form of myself.
I love the way you improvise your food and drinks when you're working with your college budget.
I love the way you are driven by failure to achieve your success.
I love the way you don't back down when threatened.
I love the way you do what you do, everything you do.
I just love you. I could write it in a million ways, scribbled on paper or written across the sky, yet the words could never compare to what I actually feel.
So when you don't reciprocate, I'm torn.
I'm torn between feeling bad because you appear to not feel the same way and feeling happy because you have at least given me the pleasure to experience it.
I feel bad because it fulfills my fears of me being the one that loves more and fully. But I am the woman, I am supposed to feel this way, right? At least you didn't get weird and kick me out like you could have.
I feel amazing for letting it out because I am honest now. Fully honest, and I won't deny the fact that I love you because I cannot deny what I feel. I will not deny myself of such a simple pleasure as to be honest with another about your affections.
You can feel what you want. I won't push you. Just know that I love you regardless of your decisions and I hope that you, if not now then eventually, feel the same way.
I want you to be happy.
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