Change of Events

I get mad. 

Not even.

I get frustrated.

I get frustrated because I am dating this guy. He's attractive inside and out. He's tall with blue eyes and dark hair. Yet, he's more than that. His personality is hard to beat. He knows how to make someone smile. He at least knows how to make me smile. He is patient, kind, and reflects how love is described in the first Corinthians. It's hard to see why anyone would not want to be around him.

Yet, I get nervous when other girls do want to spend time with him. I feel threatened and I get jealous. It is nasty and I lose my Corinthians inspiration by becoming envious. I lose my patience. I begin to over-think things and wonder if I really am enough for him.

I wonder if he ever looks at his friends and wonder what it would be like to be dating her instead of me.

I wonder if he ever wishes I were prettier, or smarter, or better in anyway.

And after all of my wondering, I cry.

I never take the chance to look in the mirror and see what is before me.

God's creation.

Yes, based off of human actions, I was a mistake.

But to God, I am a masterpiece of His own creation.

Being God's child makes me enough.

I am here, I am living, breathing, and doing the best I can. Yet what do I do? I question the Lord and tear apart his masterpiece bit by bit, leaving nothing left but a broken canvas of a person.

I feel as though we often forget why we are here.

I know I do. I push Him away, because I feel like He doesn't want to help me. However, this is not the case. I push Him to send me down the path that I have chosen for myself, instead of being willing to follow His path for me. I forget to let Him be in charge of the things I can't control and I hold on tighter and tighter until I can't hold on any longer. 

It is exhausting to push the only entity that can help me through anything away.

I shouldn't push. I should relent. I should give up all of my worries and pain and suffering. I should give into the Lord, because He really does strengthen. 

He does not want to see me suffer. In fact, I am sure that I hurt Him greatly with each tear that is shed over something out of my control.

If Sam and I are meant to be, then the Lord will make it so. 

However, if we are not, then that is not His path for me.

As much as I want to believe that I can control everything, I cannot. I am a mere human. I can hardly carry a suitcase of clothing up three flights of stairs, how could I possibly control everything in my life?

It is hard. Life is difficult. 

I need to get over that and let myself become one with God again.

He is who is important.

He is who I need reassurance from.

He is who I am going back to.