What Relationships Have Taught Me

I never thought it was possible to miss someone after only having left them five minutes before. I thought people who felt that were ridiculous or lying. Yet here I am. 

I used to think those couples who fit in 4 kisses before leaving are absurd. I used to be content with just one. Yet here I am. 

I used to wait by my phone for a text I knew wasn't going to come. I've spent time waiting for a man, and then I found one that doesn't always make me wait and I know regardless that he'll respond and here I am.

I used to think relationships didn't mean time apart and I always craved being able to read and book. Now I have a balance between the two. 

I had a lot of misconceptions about relationships when I was going through all the wrong ones, that now that I feel like I'm the right one, I can see my faults. 

I should've known better than to believe that I was the reason each relationship failed. Or that sex could make you love another person. Or that the only time a guy would say I love you was when he hands were tracing zipper of my pants and his lips were touching mine. I've learned a lot from those middle school relationships, including that communication is important. Or from my first 6 month relationship, including that sometimes you can love someone with all your heart but not want to be with them and that that's okay. From my relationship with someone in another religion, I learned that you need similar points of interest to keep going. From my relationship with someone from outside of the country, I learned that differences in culture can change your values in a relationship. From my relationship with a rich guy, I learned that money doesn't make someone better and that we all have our own problems. And from all those guys I've dated, I've learned that the least attractive guy will still make you feel like shit if you give him the chance. 

From Sam, I've learned that communication involves more than just your words, and that it's the difference between getting in a huge fight and resolving a conflict with minimal damage. I've learned that you don't have to say I love you to feel it. Your actions can make the difference, you can tell me that you love me or you can show me through your actions. I've learned that love isn't about sex, it's about the connection you have with the other person. I've learned that being patient is the greatest quality. I've learned that sometimes you want to be with someone so often that it doesn't matter what you do in your time together. I've learned that being straightforward and honest isn't a bad quality that I have. Being that honest person helps both parties out in the end. And most of all, I've learned that the right person does come when you least expect it. You'll meet a lot of wrong ones along the way, but each wrong guy is a lesson and a step towards the right guy.

Fraternity Boy v. GDI

Dating a fraternity boy encompasses more than dating a GDI would. When you date a fraternity boy, you're dating the whole fraternity. You're dating his 100 brothers, their rules, their traditions, their parties, their colors, and their alcoholic neighbor.

When I say you're dating the brothers, I mean that you'll be spending a large portion of your weekend with all the boys. And if your boyfriend lives at the house, then you'll see them all the time. This part is weird because when I say dating the brothers, I also mean that you are bound to them, not that you are actually taking them anywhere. They kind of turn into your brothers as well, assuming you're accepted enough and that they take that initiative. 

You date their rules because they have a ton of them. You're not allowed to be rush help, even if you really love the fraternity and all they stand for. You can't know the details of guys night and you aren't supposed to hear the things they let slip. You're not supposed to still their stitches shirt and only wear the letters if your outfit represents them well. Some of these rules aren't written and are more guidelines, but they're still kind of enforced. 

You date their traditions. Some fraternities are more strict than others, which is okay. Some are more rooted in their traditions and some aren't. All fraternities are different. You date the tradition to do a chant at each party. You learn the words to said chant and it gets stuck in your head for weeks. You learn the facts and your Greek alphabet and the lingo used regarding fraternities. You find yourself thinking about how weird it is that these guys have a schedule to dress up by and that they spend every Wednesday at Bullfrogs or Fuzzy's. 

My personal least favorite is that you date their parties. My social anxiety goes crazy in the small fraternity house that is the same model of my stepdads house from when he lived alone in Nacogdoches. They fit all these people in a small area and blast the music so that it pounds through the walls. I can only do parties in big areas, which is why I stay outside most of the time. You're basically dating on a schedule of social events that you feel bad not attending or even scared not to attend because of how many women will be all over your man. You're dating the puke, the dirty dishes, the pounds of trash, and the late nights. You're dating a walking party machine.

You're dating the colors. My boyfriend's fraternity's colors are those that I once thought were sacred to Christmas. Yet they wear their red and green throughout campus, making me want the sky to unleash snow and make a list for Santa. But just wait, the social functions usually come with t-shirts. They're usually the colors. If you get a t-shirt, you're getting the sacred colors. 

A GDI is a God Damn Independent. I am a GDI, Greek life is a mystery to me and I could never be a sorority girl. I don't care to shellack makeup or do my hair at 7 am, just to go to Poultry Science. So I understand that as a GDI, I have a lot of freetime. I value my freetime. I take it and hold onto it for dear life. If you so choose to date a GDI, you're smart. You don't become involved with a huge group, you don't date a whole party, but you also don't date a group of amazing men who would stand up for you when your boyfriend does something wrong. You aren't dating a group of men who will tell you when you're wrong, and how to fix it. You aren't dating man children, or even their potential to be amazing grown men. You aren't dating a guy who wears more themed t-shirts than you, or maybe you are. 

There are pros and cons to each. GDIs can be just as bad as fraternity boys and vice versa. Just remember that your boy is more than his title. He's not just a fraternity boy. He's a fraternity boy, a gamer, a 300 fan, a loyal friend, a funny roommate, a giraffe, a great bacon cooker, but most of all, he's my amazing boyfriend.

Tips for Boys Regarding Their Girlfriends' Time of the Month

So I have recently had to deal with hormones again. I was on birth control, but when we hit the deer, I lost it. That being said, to begin a new pack I have to wait until my next period. When I am on my period, I am the single most hormonal person. I get terrible cramps and mood swings that could kill. One minute I could be really happy, then someone says something that rubs me the wrong way and suddenly I'm pissed off, then someone says something mean and I'm suddenly crying. It's the most ridiculous thing. Birth control actually really helps with this. Since I am struggling with a period and being hormonal again, I figured I would create a list of Dos and Donts for all the boys out there. These really are kind of specific to girls like me, but who knows. It could be useful across the board.


1. Do NOT discuss other girls. I don't care if Sheila got the promotion or if this girl looks like Jennifer Lawrence. And no, I probably don't think she's hot and you shouldn't either. And if you do, don't fucking comment on it. OR why don't you go date her if she's so hot? You're making me feel insecure, and it's kind of pissing me off.
2. Do NOT ask me why I am acting crazy or if I am okay. The answer is no. There is blood and uterine lining escaping my body via my vagina. Plus those really fun cramps? Yeah, those are uterine contractions shedding the lining like it would a baby. It's painful. No I am not okay.
3. Do NOT make fun of me. I know, it is your way of dealing with things. But do not make fun of the way I waddle when I have cramps. I will take it personally and probably cry and definitely not talk to you for several hours, even if your house is on fire.
4. Do NOT be offended by me. Between how crazy I already feel and how much is going through my mind, I probably haven't taken the time to think about anyone else. My period can make me very selfish, seeing as I am focusing on the pain of my cramps instead of how my last statement sounded. If I am acting like a heinous bitch, please just tell me.
5. Do NOT be alarmed or laugh if I cry. Between physical pain and whatever else is going on, I walk around 90% of my period time ready to cry. I couldn't pick a pain reliever and cried on the floor of Walgreens. I stopped walking and cried on the benches because I thought of the possibility of us breaking up. I just cry a lot.
6. Do NOT touch my belly or any part of me that is fat for that matter. I am bloating and feeling fat. Stop with yourself, unless you want me to cry some more.
7. Do NOT spend all your time ignoring me. I need some idea that you still like me even when I am ugly, breaking out, bloated, and emotional. Ignoring me to hang out with the boys while I am in some strange, fragile, broken emotional state will make me overthink a lot of things. When I overthink a lot of things, I come to the conclusion that you just don't like me. I will then again proceed to cry.
8. Do NOT forget that I still love you. I may not be the most affectionate person on my period and sometimes I might lash out. However, this does not change the fact that I find you to be the greatest guy around.
9. Do NOT forget that I am acting this way because I am literally losing a chunk of my uterus. That is uterine lining swollen with blood. Women got the shaft in this whole reproduction thing.
10. Do NOT feel the need to appease me if you truly don't want to. Women know when you feel coerced into doing something. It' s not worth your effort because you might face more hell than you intended to meet.
11. Do talk to me. There's a good chance that I want desperately to talk to you but don't want to piss you off or annoy you. Sometimes I just want to talk to the person that means the most to me.
12. Do hold and hug me. You don't understand how much this matters. Hugs are the most comforting things. I need comfort when I am in pain.
13. Do reassure me. Like I said, I get insecure on my period, you would too. Sometimes I need to know that you don't think I'm Stalin's child with all my body hair or that I am the most repulsing woman and that you still like me. Plus I won't be feeling like a 10, I'll be feeling like a -100. You're the only person whose opinion matters to me at the moment.
14. Do watch tv with me. Sometimes I just need someone to sit down and watch Supernatural with. I won't make you watch Say Yes to the Dress, even though I've been on Pinterest all day while watching The Notebook with the girls while crying into my pint of Phish Food ice cream.
15. Do accept the way I eat. I eat like a fucking yeti, I'm sorry I out-ate you, but it's just life.
16. Do get me a pillow and some water. My cramps will make me want to break a lamp. Giving me a pillow saves your hand from the squeeze. Plus who doesn't love water.
17. Do remember that I can get my own stuff and I'm self-sufficient, but I do appreciate gifts. By gifts I mean Midol, a heating pad, and ice cream.
18. Do remember that I want to help you. Even if I feel like shit, I want you to be happy and I want to help you out.
19. Do remember I will be sappy this week. I want to see people get married and have babies and I want to cry good tears. I'll try to save this part for the girls.
20. Do tell me what I mean to you. You'll make my heart happy. Unless you think I'm a worthless piece of shit, in which case, wait until next week.
21. Do realize that if I actually ask for alone time, that I need alone time. Sometimes I want to cry by myself. Or sometimes I need a nap. This alone period of time will be over quickly, to be honest.

This Crazy Weekend Adventure

Have you ever had a weekend so eventful that you don't remember it as a whole but random small parts come to you? That was my weekend. 

To begin, my spring break began on Thursday of last week, seeing as I don't have Friday classes. I spent most of Thursday packing up my room and getting ready to leave the next day. We left school on Friday around 2, that put us in Dallas at 5. We got our stuff together and left for Oklahoma at 7-ish. 

Now I love night drives on the highway, but knowing the tendencies of animals, I hate rural sections at night. 

So as we missed a turn in Antlers, OK, I began to feel an imminent danger. I usually push these things away because of my anxiety. However, I should have listened to it as my friend pushed almost 80. There was a deer lurking beyond a hill that fulfilled my gut feeling. The first deer was fine, the second deer was the one that got hit. We somehow made it out okay, even though we ended up in the ditch. Thankfully the car didn't flip or hit a tree, or get stuck. But that only began the journey. Turns out, we were headed the wrong direction, so we snail crawled our way back into Antlers and made the correct turn towards Broken Bow. That's when the check engine light came on. Long story short, we ended up getting towed only to have to stuff ourselves into our friend's vehicle in a way that would make any Tetris player amazed. 

We finally made it to the destination at 2:30 and promptly, wait for it, got into the jacquzzi. I didn't realize this would take away hot water from the shower. I took a cold shower that night. We finally went to bed at 4:30. 

Who knew wake up time would be 10 after the late night. I was on breakfast duty, I was actually on all food duty. The rest of the weekend followed a similar pattern of going to bed early and waking up early.

This weekend actually taught me a lot and did an equal amount for me. 

First, I got a social media and texting free break. This helped me in several ways.

Second, I got to see a different side of my boyfriend's best friend. Usually the kid gets under my skin, but he honestly didn't irritate me this weekend. Don't tell him that. 

Third, I figured out that I'm the full package, according to one of my boyfriend's fraternity brothers. 

Fourth, I saw a very protective side of my boyfriend and also a very manly side of him as he smoked a cigar.

Fifth, I've come to the conclusion that all these emotions I feel are actually the love kind of emotions and that I had to stop myself several times from saying it.

I've also discovered that I don't like it when other girls sit next to or touch my boyfriend. I become very competitive.

That Life Story Doe

I feel like you guys read these posts without getting to really know me. 

So here's a little tidbit about me.

I was born in Peoria, IL in 1995.

Which makes me 18 years old.

I lived in Peoria Heights for a few years until my parents divorced.

After the divorce, my mom and I moved in with my grandparents, in Bartonville, IL.

My mom met a guy and we moved to Fresno, CA.

I loved Fresno actually.

Alas, they broke up and we packed up again.

This time we headed to Frisco, TX.

Finally, we stayed somewhere.

At first, when we moved around, I missed Illinois.

The thing is, it's hard to belong somewhere that you didn't really know.

I didn't know that Central Illinois wasn't a good area.

So when we finally settled in Frisco, I was stuck between liking Illinois and California.

I loved California to be honest.

The nature and the cities, they all blend so well together.

In the first year, I never took the time to like Texas.

It actually took me three years before I began to like it.

Now I can't say that the first 8 years of my life changed me, as I don't remember them.

So we'll continue at age 9 in Texas.

I was an awkward child who already had crushes on the cute boys.

It had never been hard for me to make friends, but it was still weird.

I found a best friend in Rachel.

I think I liked her the best out of the elementary-middle school besties.

She was kind of a worry-wart, but she also knew what it was like to be a kid.

We didn't begin to worry about looking pretty, we worried about the latest games and shows to watch.

We would spend hours on the trampoline, not the mall.

It was fun.

But we parted ways in middle school.

I became friends with girls who actually cared about appearances and I soon felt very inadequate.

When you recognize the shallowness around you, you can actually begin to sink.

I wasn't a cute kid.

I'll be the first to admit that. And from the time I was 12, I let that define me.

Even as I changed and grew up, I was marked with an ugliness that I couldn't get rid of.

Low Self Esteem.

It's the easiest and ugliest ailment around.

I wasn't even a teenager when I began to feel like I wasn't enough.

I looked at Seventeen magazine and watched all these movies and realized that girls are supposed to be thin, and have this flawless skin, and beautiful hair.

It wasn't me.

I wasn't thin for starters, I'm still not the "ideal." But I am healthy.

I don't have perfect skin, I stress out and break out all the time.

My hair is actually comparable.

But I didn't realize that it takes more than just your outside to be beautiful.

When you are fed ads and other types of media, it's hard to keep in mind that everyone is different.

That the models don't look like the models.

You could say that I entered Girl World completely unprepared.

Luckily I had my mom.

However, I only let her know that I was insecure once in 8th grade.

I don't think she knew the severity of it or the potential longevity of it.

I spent the next 5 years navigating middle school, high school, and girl world.

I never felt good enough, in anything that I did.

My grades were good, but they weren't perfect.

When it got into my grades, I realized that the insecurity would only spread and get worse.

I changed friends though during Junior year.

I went from three girls to a completely different just one.

I kept my boys though.

When I first met Kelsey, we were deskmates in Chemistry, sophomore year.

She drew and sang a lot, but it was fun to have a friend in that class. However, we didn't hang out outside of class that year.

Junior year we had several classes together and group projects.

Once we began hanging out, it was clear that we'd be best friends.

We spent most of our time together and I grew away from the people I thought were my best friends.

Which was okay, because there was drama there anyway.

A lot talking behind backs and not having my back kind of shit that I wasn't down for.

Anyway, Kelsey quickly became a good best friend. She even had my back when I didn't.

She also constantly pushed me to be more confident and worked with me through a lot of things that I didn't think I could handle.

I actually think I owe it to her for why I am not completely insecure anymore.

Not completely.

I still have my moments.

Freshman year of college is hard though.

I'm getting my footing along the lines of living on my own, getting good grades, studying, and even navigating all sorts of relationships.

I found that the key to shattering insecurity is to focus on the good. 

It sounds cheesy and like everything you've heard before, but I promise you. It is the only thing that you can do.

I started by focusing on what I had and what I was thankful for.

I listed everything I could think of.

I am thankful for my family, the people who are always there for me.

More specifically, my mom, who is my best friend through everything. My nurse and my nurturer, she is the best mom I could have asked for.

I mentioned my brother, my stepdad, my dad, my stepmom, my mimi, my papa, and even my older half-brother.

I am thankful for my friends.

I mentioned Kelsey, who is an obvious choice of person to be thankful for.

I mentioned Jasmine, Brooke, Josh, Evan, and several others.

I am thankful to be able to go to school.

I am thankful for the food I eat.

I am thankful for the clothes I wear.

For the water I drink.

I am thankful for the guy who accepts me when I don't think I am good enough.

Once I got these things down, I moved on to the things about myself that I am thankful for.

I am thankful that I actually am pretty smart. I rocked that honor roll life for several years, then it turned into honor societies and began to be too much.

I am thankful that I have an ability to make others laugh.

I am thankful that I know how to take care of others.

I found things like that about myself that made me feel better about myself.

Once I made a list, I just reminded myself.

I had to forget the bad though too.

I couldn't just leave it at bringing myself up, I had to destroy what could bring me down.

So like any angsty teenager, I just developed a "IDGAF" attitude and stopped caring.

Insecurity flourishes when you have the spotlight effect.

I had to realize that no one cares about me or what I do. 

Sure, there will be a few people who take notice of my weird dance when I'm happy, or the way I eat my sandwiches, or even the way I walk.

But, none of that matters to anyone but me.

That's kind of been the journey til now.

Now I'm in my second semester, I've changed my major twice, and I think I've got it.

I've made a really great group of friends who I can tell most anything to.

I have a roommate who not only puts up with my shit, but actually accepts it and doesn't judge me. And she's a great friend, which is a bonus.

I've finally figured out most of the loopholes of college.

I've figured out classes and studying.

I've figured out that you can't force relationships or emotions.

I've figured out that one door opens to another.

I've figured out that one beginning is some other beginning's end.

I have found my place. At least my place for now.

It's a comfortable place, that generally requires at the most pajama pants.

I couldn't have asked for a better life.

It has had its twists and turns, its ups and downs, and everything in between.

These unfortunate events have only led me to a place that is like a beacon of light in the middle of darkness.

That was cheesy.

The broken road that led me straight to you. Just kidding.

But really.

All these "bad" things will lead to better things and life just works that way.

That's all I've got for a life story, but that's actually a lot more than you need.

But there you have it, and I've spared you on the boyfriend talk.

A Little Evangelism, while trying to figure out life

The thing about worrying is that it's kind of completely pointless.

If you can't do anything about it, then you can't worry because it will happen regardless.

If you can do something, then you should do it, therefore not worry about it.

Say you are worried about a test.

You can study.

So study and don't worry about it, because you've done what you could.

Say you are worried about someone cheating on you.

They'll do it whether you like it or not.

You can't do anything about it.

Therefore, you shouldn't worry about it.

They made their choice and you have to realize it wasn't meant to be and move on.

Say you are worried about someone dying.

It will happen in it's own time and whenever it happens is when it was meant to happen.

Now I'm not really viewed as a religious person.

I believe in God, but I don't go to church.

I believe in God, but I support Gay Rights.

I believe in God, but I am Pro-Choice.

I believe in God, but I believe in science.

I'm a biology major, therefore I am a Satanist in some people's minds. But the truth is, I need God just as much as the next person. And I believe that God is the only one who knows my plan.

I want to be an oncologist when I get done with school, and I believe that God will only take me there if that's where I am meant to be.

When I begin to worry, the only thing that can bring me back to happiness and a calm manner is reminding myself that God knows what he's doing.

When I stress about a test, I remember that God has my back and won't give me something I can't handle. Like my biology test, I studied and still thought I was going to fail, but I got a B.

When I stress about my boyfriend or exes, I remind myself that God knows what is best for me and he will, in his own way, help me out. Even if it's not what I want. He guides me from guy to guy, you could say that He guydes me. Ha, puns. He knows who I am going to marry, and he shows me through other guys what I don't want in a husband. He shows me that I want someone that I can make successful children with, just like science would like. He shows me that sometimes breaking up is the best thing, because I can do better and he's guiding me to someone who is better.

All of this guidance helps lead you to a better life, the life that you are supposed to live.

I don't mean to God dump on your computer screen, it actually wasn't where I was going. But it's what I believe. I believe that knowing God and believing that He knows what he's doing is the best and most rewarding stress reliever that's not on the market. 

I have to remember to take a step back and let God guide me to where I belong.

Right now, He has me at a great school, with great friends, an awesome roommate, and some questionable food, oh and I guess a pretty good boyfriend. He even gave me my family, who I wouldn't trade for the world. I'd say that He knows what He's doing, simply based on the blessings He's given me. 

Letting Go

It's been said that talking about your feelings can help. 

I'm the kind of person who holds on to too much. It's been almost a year since my second to last relationship and I still think about it, not good thoughts. 

So here's the dizzle, this kid was kind of the first guy that I liked who liked me back. It started off weird. First of all, my first sign should have been that he was willing to go on a date with me after I added him on Facebook like it was immediate gratification.

Well I should start from the beginning.

My elementary school was having a reunion, of which only one of my teachers was going to be there. It was worth it. I got to see a lot of people and reminisce about the good old days of recess and nap time, and the think track. There was this tall, mysterious guy who looked fairly familiar even though I knew I had never met him. I was about to talk to him when he left.

It seemed to fate when I found his Facebook under the suggested friends side bar. So I added him. I figured in today's age that it would be one of those simple things that if it didn't work, it wouldn't be hard to recover from. He accepted me within 2 hours and we started a conversation. The following Friday we went on a date. 

I am not one to kiss on a first date, but it felt decently comfortable. Our first date actually ended up lasting 12 hours. HOURS. It was fun, I actually met one of my soon to be good friends there, Brian. His family was great, his dog was great, and his friends were great. He's a rich kid, so he had this huge house that could fit 2 or 3 of my houses, with a huge backyard that could comfortably fit 5 horses. I wasn't into it. I don't do rich. Swanky things are not my forte, I'm a girl that spends time in shorts and a t-shirt hanging out at the ballpark. I'm more beer than I am wine. Yet, all of this extravagance didn't matter because I thought I really liked him. 

We never put a label on what we are even though it was assumed that we were together. 

Two weeks passed and the only thing that I could say I liked about him would be his face and his kisses. Other than that, he wasn't too brilliant and he lacked a good sense of humor. I was getting bored quickly but I didn't want to give up the attractive guy that my mom seemed to like. 

One night, before he left for a weekend, he said the words "I think I'm in love with you." I'm a fairly practical person, so when he said this after such a short period of time, I couldn't help but stifle a laugh. I wasn't about to love this kid, I could barely say that I liked him, let alone love.

He left for the weekend, before I could dump him but after I had time to worry about him cheating on me before I could dump him.

He came back, didn't text me regularly and was about to pull the whole distancing himself thing. 

I definitely was not about to just wait until he stopped talking to me entirely, so I asked him what was up. 

He said he didn't want to cheat on me and that he's still in love with the girl he spent the weekend with.

Later, I found out that they actually did do the diddly doo.

This has stuck with me.

But it's time to let it go. 

Here's why...

First, there were no redeeming parts to the kid at all.

Second, we obviously weren't meant to be if it didn't last.

Third, he clearly has troubles somewhere in his life.

Fourth, he is not every guy. He does not determine if another guy will cheat on me or if they will be faithful til the end. 

I'm forgiving him for this. It's not my fault that he left me and I know that he's sorry. Even if he doesn't, it's okay because there is nothing I could have or can do about it now. I forgive him because I have nothing else to do and because it is pointless to let something in the past bother me to this day. He's moved on and I need to get over this problem as well.

I'm taking the step that some people think is a dick move. I'm deleting him from most aspects of my life. He doesn't need to be what I see on my instagram because we aren't even friends.