Sophomore Year Begins Soon

I keep thinking about how crazy my first year of college was the closer I get to going back for a second year. I remember this time last year I was frantically packing all my stuff into various bags and hoping that I wouldn't completely die going up the stairs. I was beyond excited to meet my roommate, who is like my soul mate to be honest and I can't wait to live with her again. I was completely prepared to start classes and I wasn't too concerned with finding a relationship. After the last three guys I had dated, I wasn't sure if I was ready. By this point I had been cheated on, experienced an almost relationship, and ruined my relationship by speaking my mind.

When I got to school, I realized that none of those boys mattered. They were all lessons. This was my new start. I met plenty of boys within the first week and began to form friendships. 

I made plenty of mistakes, I mean lessons. They are as follows...

1. Goodbye kisses can lie. It's all in the eyes. I knew that it was too good to be true. We had spent three nights together and even spent the days together. I still hadn't put out. I gave him a final goodbye kiss and saw in his eyes that he was already gone. I saw him each day after that with a new girl. We became friends after this incident though.

2. Studying in a dorm room will never lead to studying. He kissed me then invited me to stay the night. I didn't want to walk back upstairs, so I accepted. He realized quickly that I wasn't going to put out. So, he left me to go get high with his friends, they then burned popcorn and set off the fire alarm. I had to walk out of his room at 3 am, by myself. We did not talk for two weeks after this. We are friends now though.

3. Just because he invites you over two nights in a row with the most hopeful smile, you're still a bootycall and he doesn't take you seriously. Even if the first night was a fun night in with some beers and the second night was the ever so romantic movie night, he doesn't care. I didn't hear from him for a week after this. We are kind of friends now.

4. No amount of breath mints can fix someone's breath and no amount of will power will make this person attractive. He was in three of my classes, apart of the most gentlemanly fraternity, and I was trying hard to like him like that. He also had the personality of a mop and breath that could peel wallpaper. We hung out one night. I could not fake emotions. We are not really friends anymore.

5. Just because he seems into you, he could just want a friendship. We hit it off at a party. We stayed friends, albeit great friends. 

6. Sometimes being just friends is the best thing that could happen. He went for my best friend. They turned out poorly, but I got to keep both friends anyway.

7. Just because he made it to college does not mean he knows basic anatomy. My first time. His first time. Awfully bad time together. Choose your partner wisely.

8. Even though you start off as friends, you are not going to have a special, happy ending. We met at orientation and had been hanging out fairly regularly. I thought he might be the game changing one. But we watched a movie, made out, and didn't speak to each other for months. We still aren't friends anymore.

9. No amount of will can make you click with someone. We went on a series of dates for almost a whole month. I was decently attracted to him, but I didn't see a future with him. He asked me to be his girlfriend, my first opportunity for something real, and I denied him. I learned from him ultimately that you have to find someone that you see a future with. Kind of working together won't last. You have to know that it could work.

I had made my last mistake on a Sunday morning in the beginning of second semester. Surprisingly while on a walk. He had asked me to take a walk with him that morning when he asked. I had to awkwardly tell him no and walk up the stairs feeling shitty for leading him on. But as luck would have it, it was the best lesson I had learned. I met my love that night. 

My girl friends had come downstairs to tell me all about these two tall boys they had met at a party. They gushed about how hot they were and how excited they were for me to meet them. I killed their joy with my story of denying lesson 9 earlier in the day. 

The boys came into my room that night, dressed in jackets, jeans, and Sperry Top-siders like every other fraternity boy. They came to meet me then they left to go to a meeting of sorts. When we met up with them again, they were in pajamas getting food at the Sawmill. We ate with them and then watched Sherlock in my dorm. Nothing special. Then we went on the walk that changed it all. Sam and I didn't really talk much before the walk. At the Sawmill we kind of had some playful banter, but the others kind of held the conversation. We're both kind of quiet people. This walk we took was a game changer though. I was supposed to be hooking Sam up with Kelsey, or at least keeping Alex from wanting to hook up with Kelsey. I did not do either very well. As we walked, I almost found myself completely drawn to him. I would fall back with the guys when I was supposed to be up with the girls. I held his hand when I was scared. We even walked ahead of them for a long period of time. It's like we made sense from the beginning. I didn't care what we became but I desperately wanted him to be apart of my world, even if just as a friend. We hung out regularly for about two weeks before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Even from then he lit one of those fires you hear about in people's hearts. He lit a fire in my heart that is still burning a bright yellow glow. 

I knew he was perfect when he asked me by handing me a folded sheet of paper that had a tumblr valentine on it, with a head of lettuce, that said "Lettuce be more than friends."  We've created a thousand memories since then and I cannot believe that I am lucky enough to call him mine. He truly is amazing and I have come to believe that love is the most transforming power. He has been with me through so much already. I cannot imagine what God has planned for us. He has led me away from all my lessons and into the arms of the most amazing man I've met since my grandfather. I am completely uninterested in a life without him. I hope to have several more years with him. 

Always remember that mistakes are never truly mistakes, just lessons in disguise. We would never grow without them. Choose to let these lessons transform you into the best version of yourself and into the most knowledgeable you. God knows what he is doing, let Him guide you. He will never let you down. 

With that, I go into my second year in two weeks. I get to experience a new major and all with Sam by my side and God watching over me and guiding me. I can go in with confidence that this will be my greatest year so far. I go in knowing that I have survived one year of college, so I will be better prepared for this one. 

Recently...

I have this problem where I've fixed myself into the idea that I'm not good enough and that I'll never be good enough.

Summer is a hard time for me. I used to be chubby and now that I'm not, I'm confused on how to feel. I lost about 20 pounds just off being too stressed to eat. I did eat, but small meals. It was like grazing throughout the day. I lost my belly fat which seemed amazing, but I also shrunk from a DD to a C. It was crushing. I had just cut 10 inches off my hair and now my boobs are smaller. I felt a lot less feminine. In fact, I had a breakdown in Victoria's Secret because I was for sure that my boyfriend would break up with me. He didn't. In fact, he didn't care at all. My problem is that I get so fixated on what I think he wants, that I forget that he chose me. He chose me at my 145 pounds and he's made the choice to stay with me at 125. He chose me when I was chubbier and he's still with me even with my smaller boobs.

He thinks I'm amazing and it's me that thinks I'm not. I feel like he's the greatest thing to come into my life and I'm so afraid to lose him that I'm forgetting to enjoy it by trying to be perfect and stressing myself out over things that are out of my control. Even if I eat all the right foods and take supplements, there's a good chance that my boobs won't be that big until I have kids. So I need to just accept that I yam what I yam and that no one can change that. 

No one else's opinion matters like my own. All my friends and family are supportive of me and I haven't heard them say anything bad about me besides how frustrating it is to see me like this. So why do I think I'm so terrible?

It's because I compare myself. I look at all the girls with perfect bodies and I think that my life would be complete if I had the ideal body. It's just silly. That's why I have to change.

I know that my body is great and it does what it's supposed to do. It's healthy now and functions perfectly. It does what a body does. It probably looks perfect to some people.

I've gotten to a point where I love my face. That was the easiest part. I don't think I'm ugly. I mean I get frustrated when I see really pretty girls with great bodies because I envy that.

And I envy it because I want to give Sam everything I can.

But I have to trust him. I have to trust that he knows he's made the right choice and that he wouldn't try to mess it up.

He knows I love him. I know that he likes me a lot. It's just easy to get mixed up in mad emotions.

The Fault in Our Stars... as it pertains to my life

I saw The Fault in Our Stars... Twice already.
The problem is that I sob uncontrollably at the end.
For those of you who have not read the book or seen the movie, I'm sorry.
It is an amazing story, but it's rough. It's completely beautiful though. It's a book about cancer without being about cancer. It's about the story of a relationship, lives, and struggles that could happen in anyone's lives, but put to two kids with cancer.
Cancer isn't their main flaw even. Hazel is hard to love and tries to push Gus away. She even leads him on while trying to deny her own feelings towards him. She feels like her cancer is why she can't love him, because she is going to die and he will be left here on Earth and it wouldn't be fair. Gus hardly seems to have flaws, but of course he does. He wants this grand life so much that a normal life of only having those close him love him isn't enough. He wants to be widely loved and admired by strangers for being great.
Gus has so much to teach us though.
His cancer scare kind of turned him into this optimistic kid who is "on a roller coaster that only goes up." He refuses to deny himself pleasures in life, such as staring at a beautiful person or saying "I love you." That is a lesson we all could learn or be reminded of. I remember freaking out for about a month before my mouth finally worked before my head and the fated words came out. I was scared of how to say it and when would be a good time. Regardless of his response, it felt really good coming out. Until I began to overthink everything, which made me close up. But regardless of Hazel's silence when he says it, he stays happy. He knows that regardless of the outcome, he loved her, it was his choice, and it was his pleasure. I think when we get dumped or rejected that we forget that the feeling of love itself is a complete pleasure. The pain always outweighs the learning experience and complete euphoria of loving someone, because it seems to linger and build up negative learning experiences rather than good ones. I've had plenty of unfulfilled crushes and all I could think of as the problem was me. Like oh, he doesn't like me because I look this way, or act this way, or this or that. Which isn't true, it just wasn't meant to be. There's never been a particular reason for me not liking someone. There was this guy that I dated like immediately before Sam that I thought I really liked. He looked the part, acted the part, but he wasn't the right person. We didn't have any chemistry and I just didn't like him like that. It wasn't meant to be. I can't tell you how I fell out of liking the guys that I once liked. I just woke up one day and it was done. It was always fun though, having a crush or being in a relationship. Being able to wake up and be excited to see someone and want to share parts of your life with them. It's a rewarding experience. I didn't fully experience it until Sam. I had always had the crushes and those were kind of fun because it was like I was able to kind of admire someone without actually putting myself out there. Not putting myself out there more has to be one of my true regrets in life, because I missed out on an opportunity to have loved someone.
Gus also teaches us that we are going to get hurt, it's inevitable; however, we have the choice in who hurts us. His eulogy to Hazel is by far the most heartbreaking part of the movie, my boyfriend's favorite song was playing over the scene so I imagined Sam reading it to me and I bawled for like twenty minutes after the movie. I honestly can't imagine a world where losing him won't be one of the hardest things I will eventually go through, be it a breakup or death. It is amazing how much that idea resonated with me though. It applies to so much. If you have bad friends then you are choosing to let them hurt you and you should get rid of them. But then you have his concept of the romantic aspect where you get to love someone and then they leave you hurting, but it's a pain that came from so much happiness.
He also teaches us that the world is not a wish granting factory. Life is hard. It's meant to be hard and you're supposed to struggle. Whether that is for natural selection or just because achievements make satisfying lives, doesn't matter. The fact is that this kid who is so optimistic admits that life is hard. Which just makes all of his happiness so much more inspiring. The kid gets that life sucks when it comes down to it, but he makes it great. He makes his own happiness and he doesn't let his fake leg, the fact that Hazel was denying him so fervently, or even the fact that he was dying get him down. That is for the most part. He did break.
Hazel is like looking in a mirror that gives you cancer. She's depressed and lacks the usual spirit that lives within most young girls. She understands that she is dying and she doesn't want to hurt more people than necessary. She is a good teacher for us as well because she narrates all of these things that Gus teaches her as well as us. She shows you the change in her attitude. She even handles his death a hell of a lot better than I would have. For starters, I would have been completely incoherent through the eulogy. She's just very resolved about it all. She knows exactly what to expect and she even kind of sounds more like Gus at the very end. She was content with who broke her heart.
Honestly, the entire book and movie had me crying. When I read the book I didn't cry as much. However, I hadn't experienced love at that point so it was me crying at the death and the desire to have a love so deep. When I reread it and watched the movie, all I could think about was if Sam and I were in that situation. It was completely heartbreaking. I immediately texted him after the movie and was like "listen, you can't get a terminal illness and die because that wouldn't be fair." I see him in Gus. I see his optimism and his lessons in Gus. I see him almost physically in Ansel Elgort. But I definitely see Sam and it makes me really said when I think about how Gus had such a great personality and being and then his life was just taken from him. I was crying at IHOP after the movie and Kelsey was like "he doesn't have cancer and he isn't going to die." That's when I realized that we have such a misconception on life. We think it's going to last so long because we aren't given an exact date to expect. Tragedy happens when it wants to happen, not when we expect it. I value all the time I have with him for that reason. Especially when I've been in car accidents or when I end up in shady situations where I kind of fear for my life. These kids are told that they have a numbered days and Gus acts accordingly. He doesn't waste a single day and he lives without regrets. We think we have so long so we stop having that carefree lifestyle and we worry and over analyze things. We don't think about the good things we have, we think about the things we want. We could all use more of a Gus thought process. He's a fairly knowledgeable fictional character.
Thank you, John Green. You broke my heart, but it was a pleasure to have it broken by such a tragically beautiful love story.

Peers, Family, and Media

Insecurity is something everyone gets. We all have that something that we hate about ourselves. Some have it worse than others and it's fueled by almost everything that occurs in life.

I've struggled for a long time. They say it has to do with your environment, family, peers, and of course, the media. I can only guess where mine comes from.

I didn't have the nicest friends even from a young age. Erin was ruthless. She would exclude people on purpose and very vocally tell you that she dislikes parts of you. She even told me that I both spell and say my name wrong. She would tell me that she was Jamie's friend first and kick me out at recess. I have no idea how I remember that, but it's so vivid in my memory. So I would try to play with anyone else. That's how I became friends with the most ragtag group of people, we played pretend as Buffy the Vampire Slayer just to give you an idea. I also pretended to like Buffy just for the sake of fitting in, even though I had never seen it. To this day I haven't seen a single episode. California was a lot easier and the girls were a little nicer. Deanna and Gabby were two of the nicest girls I had ever met. Hannah wasn't as nice. She was into cheer and was being prepped for high school popularity. I wasn't. I liked to read and I found my way into the nerd herd of a Gifted and Talented students or whatever. She would also find ways to exclude me at recess. I eventually gave up. She wasn't worth the fight. When I got to Texas, I just wanted to be accepted by a vast majority of people. I became friends with Rachel, Nicole, and Kayla all at separate times. Nicole didn't want anything to do with me when Rachel liked me and vice versa. Kayla liked me at all times for the most part. Rachel was the most consistent though, despite our times of struggle. We managed to make it work through fourth grade. Fifth grade was harder for us because we had different interests. We became friends again in middle school. Yet, my friends changed again in seventh grade. It was a power struggle to keep three new friends in a balance. By this point, I desperately wanted normalcy and no more bullying. Yet, I always ended up in the middle of fights and had a hard time dealing with the changes that puberty was starting to bring. High school is what really sent us apart. Girls get worse in high school though. I was finding myself being referred to by people in some really rude ways. I was usually the "other Kara," which hurt because I felt like I was the inferior or less desired Kara. It sounds stupid but not being the original kind of blows. Girls looked at me like I wasn't good enough or pretty enough to be apart of their clique. Guys just didn't look at me in another way besides being their little sister. Most guys scoffed when they were asked if we were dating, which while it was true that we weren't dating, the scoff was uncalled for in all 5 situations. Debate was a monster too. My insecurity showed in every aspect of it. The way I stood, talked, refuted, and even greeted people. That's not even going into the social aspect. I was seeking approval and I got it from an improper gentleman who just wanted me to be there when he was lonely, but got mad when I dropped him when he got a girlfriend. Dating became a thing in high school. One guy tried to let me give him a free pass to date other girls, so I told him up his and that if he wants to date other girls then I would not be in that mix. One of the last guys of high school cheated on me. He even managed to completely hide me on social media and then passive aggressively dumped me by loading his Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook with her. That was a stab right to the chest through the heart and out the back. The next guy seriously dated me for awhile and then broke up with me by just not responding to my text one day and the ignore sesh lasted for 4 months. When I got to college, it didn't get any better. The girls still managed to look down on me like it was their favorite pastime. The guys used me as their make-out stepping stones into relationships. In fact, 4 guys did that.

So I guess family has something to do with it. I want to say that I have always unconditionally loved my family, but the truth is that I have desired to be apart of someone else's family at times. I was kind of a lonely kid through all the moves we made, especially with my mom working all the time. I wasn't involved in anything to really require me to be anywhere or criticized. Yet, I wasn't really praised like some kids are. When I made a B, it was always "why isn't that an A?" The most painful is when I was younger, I held more weight on me. Instead of coaxing me into athletics or some kind of healthy behavior, I had all the adults telling me that I was gaining weight and that I needed to try to get smaller. It didn't seem to be about health at the time. Although, I was already obsessing about how I looked, so I'm sure it was just my perception of how they were talking to me. But I feel like the same chunky 12 year old.

Media just sucks. Everyone is edited in everything and it's hard for people to get a real perception of what people actually look like. Clearly no one is perfect, yet we are exposed to what some arbitrary idea of perfection is. We all have flaws, but the media doesn't want you to think about that. We focus on what we should be instead of embracing what is unique and makes us beautiful. 

You can imagine how these things have affected me throughout the years. I have grown into this heaping pile of insecurity and it effects everything in my life. It effects my performance in school because I get defeated. It turns me into "Crazy Bitch" with my boyfriend because I feel inferior and threatened by the girls in his life. I even turn into just plain bitch who will let no one in to see just how deeply scarred she feels. 

But it needs to change. I just don't know how.

This Week

This week has gone by fairly quickly, to put it lightly anyhow. It has only gone by fast because I keep anticipating new things. This week it has been work, doctors appointments, dates, hangouts, and of course tomorrow is the Color Up 5K.
It is amazing how fast time will go if you are busy. I started off today with work, then I came home and researched different things I will need to know for my upcoming semester, and as I write this, I am preparing to go rock climbing.
Surprisingly, I am coming back to a place where my life makes sense.
I had a bit of a wake up call when I was told by my doctor that, while I am still healthy, I have lost weight since March and my blood pressure has dropped. To me, that is not healthy. I was healthy before and now I am headed in a bad direction. So instead of following through with my plan to get the perfect summer body, I am changing the plan to get the perfect healthy body, minus the perfect. I want to be fuller, skinny doesn't suit me. Instead of focusing on crazy goals, I want to focus on the things that make me happy. So excuse my craziness, but I want to try to be a happier, nicer person. That means that from here on out, I vow to not gossip, to not worry as much, and to do only the things that I enjoy. Also, I want to find good in every day. It is important to hold yourself to a standard that isn't ridiculous. You shouldn't want to be perfect, you should want to be happy and yourself.
I was really frustrated last weekend before I hung out with my boyfriend. I had found a bunch of things to be upset about and I had talked myself into believing that he doesn't like me and that I am just there to be his toy. I knew all of these things were untrue and that he actually does care about me, but I was just so upset already and I was bound to make my night horrible. That is until I began to realize that I was focusing so much on the 5% bad that I was forgetting the 95% good. So I composed myself, shook out all the negative thoughts and went out with him and our friends. I had a good time and I could actually see clearly that he cares for me. That was all I had wanted and I have the power to grant it to myself. We all have the power to grant happiness to ourselves. It isn't about what other people do, it is about how you react and deal with other people and yourself. A girl can come in and complain about my service, but I decide how to deal. I could help her, apologize, and do better next time or I could get cranky, irritable, and refuse to help anyone else that day. Clearly, I pick the first one each time just because that is what is professional. However, it applies to all things you do. I'm about to go rock climbing, I'm not great at it because I am afraid of heights so my hands get sweaty. However, I am going to do the best I can because I owe it to myself for paying money to go climb a wall with a bunch of fake rocks on the side. Also, because I can totally overcome my fear of heights. I'm going to be strapped in with a stupid harness and it isn't that far of a fall.
I guess what I am trying to say is that happiness really is a mindset. Therefore, I am changing my mindset because it isn't fun to be perpetually anxious or whatever. Sometimes you need to remember that only you can make yourself happy.

Love and Heartbreak as demonstrated by Miss Havisham

Next on my book list is Great Expectations. However, I am quite impatient. So, I caved and watched mini series with Douglas Booth. I was very enraptured by it. It was well done.

Miss Havisham is the embodiment of female crazy. She was heartbroken by the one guy who Abel Magwich wants to kill. She even says something about how your heart breaks and it feels like you're going to die but you just keep living. She has a point. That is the thing about heartbreak, you feel like you're going to die and you want to curl up into this little ball. You want to let Takotsubo overcome you. Anything to alleviate the pain. Yet, there you are. You're forced to resume life as normal. To resume it as though nothing has harmed you in life. You are to go to work, church, and all things with a smile on your face, even though all you feel is this gut wrenching pain that tears through your heart and fills your veins with a poison that is almost debilitating. That is heartbreak. She hit the nail on the head. However, most people take this pain and experience it. They let it hurt for awhile and then move on. They find another person to love, though they may be more guarded this time. Some people build up walls. Some people become cold. Yet, no one I know comes close to this woman. She goes in and asks a lawyer to find her a girl to adopt. She refuses to wear anything but her wedding dress. She doesn't comb her hair. She doesn't even clean the house, not even the bathroom. Everything is covered in cobwebs and decay. She's so fixated on this stupid man that broke her heart years ago that she completely forgets that humans feel pain. She molds this girl into a heartless heart breaker. She molds this small girl into, frankly, a complete bitch. She lets her build men into loving her and then she crushes them, deep down to their cores. Miss Havisham's goal is to build the woman that she longed to be. The woman who wouldn't have fallen so readily in love with a man who wasn't there for love. The woman who held the power and control over the man. The woman who was prepared for hurt by not actually loving. The woman who I used to be able to identify with on some level. She molded this child into a mean person, who surprisingly found someone to break her down.

The true beacon of light is Abel Magwich. A convict who lost everything and found it again in a young boy. Abel once had a wife named Molly and a little girl. He was a true family man. That is, until one of his buddies decided to try to get it on with Molly and she cut him. Molly was then put on trial for attempted murder, she was saved. Abel was left without a wife and daughter when Molly stayed with a lawyer and gave her kid up for adoption. Abel escaped and found Pip, who was nice to him when he wasn't required to. That kindness turned around and Abel took Pip in as his own by becoming a benefactor to the young man.

Might I say before starting about Pip that Douglas Booth is very attractive. Anywho, Pip is this poor orphan who upsets a bunch of people, falls in love with the wrong chick, and yet still manages to be okay. He starts out as an orphan in a house with this abusive as hell older sister, whom I hated from the first scene and her husband, Joe. Joe is a blacksmith who has this apprentice who just looks like a dirty guy and kind of grossed me out because teeth are important. Pip gets signed up to go to Miss Havisham's once a week, her goal is to break his heart. He actually falls in love with the young Estella. He gets word that he has a benefactor and moves to London. He becomes good friends with a kid he punched in the face back in the day named Herbert Pocket. His life is lavish. He loses Estella to this dick named Drummle, whom I hate as well. Drummle makes Estella a widow when the horse kicks him in face. He deserved it for whipping the horse like the abusive person he is. Pip ends up being the one that breaks down Estella's cold heart. 

Estella is a bitch. She's molded by her mother to be so. She is all about breaking hearts. She ends up being in love with Pip, so all is well in the end. 

Clearly, this is different than the book. It usually is with movies. I enjoyed it though. I found each character to be easily likable or completely disagreeable, without any gray area. 

I found myself crying at certain parts and cheering at others. I had much to say about Havisham, especially at how seemingly crazy she is. Yet, I justified it above. At least I found a way to make it make sense to myself. 

Change of Events

I get mad. 

Not even.

I get frustrated.

I get frustrated because I am dating this guy. He's attractive inside and out. He's tall with blue eyes and dark hair. Yet, he's more than that. His personality is hard to beat. He knows how to make someone smile. He at least knows how to make me smile. He is patient, kind, and reflects how love is described in the first Corinthians. It's hard to see why anyone would not want to be around him.

Yet, I get nervous when other girls do want to spend time with him. I feel threatened and I get jealous. It is nasty and I lose my Corinthians inspiration by becoming envious. I lose my patience. I begin to over-think things and wonder if I really am enough for him.

I wonder if he ever looks at his friends and wonder what it would be like to be dating her instead of me.

I wonder if he ever wishes I were prettier, or smarter, or better in anyway.

And after all of my wondering, I cry.

I never take the chance to look in the mirror and see what is before me.

God's creation.

Yes, based off of human actions, I was a mistake.

But to God, I am a masterpiece of His own creation.

Being God's child makes me enough.

I am here, I am living, breathing, and doing the best I can. Yet what do I do? I question the Lord and tear apart his masterpiece bit by bit, leaving nothing left but a broken canvas of a person.

I feel as though we often forget why we are here.

I know I do. I push Him away, because I feel like He doesn't want to help me. However, this is not the case. I push Him to send me down the path that I have chosen for myself, instead of being willing to follow His path for me. I forget to let Him be in charge of the things I can't control and I hold on tighter and tighter until I can't hold on any longer. 

It is exhausting to push the only entity that can help me through anything away.

I shouldn't push. I should relent. I should give up all of my worries and pain and suffering. I should give into the Lord, because He really does strengthen. 

He does not want to see me suffer. In fact, I am sure that I hurt Him greatly with each tear that is shed over something out of my control.

If Sam and I are meant to be, then the Lord will make it so. 

However, if we are not, then that is not His path for me.

As much as I want to believe that I can control everything, I cannot. I am a mere human. I can hardly carry a suitcase of clothing up three flights of stairs, how could I possibly control everything in my life?

It is hard. Life is difficult. 

I need to get over that and let myself become one with God again.

He is who is important.

He is who I need reassurance from.

He is who I am going back to.

Hide and Seek

I have lost myself.

I thought I was hiding in my boyfriend's room. However, when I looked she wasn't there.

I thought I was hiding at the bottom of a cup of tea. However, I wasn't there either.

I thought I was hiding at the local coffee shop. However, all I found was hipsters.

I thought I was hiding in the library. However, all I found were sad teenagers.

I thought I was hiding in my room, under a pile of essays. However, the essays held no truth.

I thought I was hiding on the couch. However, all that was there was a pile of crumbs.

I thought I was hiding under my desk. However, all I found was trash.

I thought that I could find myself in places. However, I can only find myself in people.

I am in my mother, who nurtured and raised me to be who I am today, and taught me how to forgive.

I am in my father, who protects me even though he is miles away.

I am in my Mimi, who taught me how to be a lady and caretaker.

I am in my Papa, who taught me how to be strong, even though I sometimes forget.

I am in my little brother, who teaches me how to have patience.

I am in my dog, who teaches me just what it is like to share a bed with a larger entity.

I am in Kelsey, who has been my guide through many of my struggles.

I am in Jasmine, who reflects who I am by being similar to me.

I am in my stepdad, who has taught me what is it like to grow up and be an adult.

I am in my stepmom, who has taught me how to let go. 

I am in Sam, who works with me and has taught me what it is like to love someone non-platonically.

I am in myself. In spite of all of my searching, I know I am in myself. Somewhere, being repressed by my years of insecurity, waiting to come forth and expose myself. I have not quite found myself on the full scale level; however, I believe that it is possible. I might even turn to God for help on this one, instead of letting my arrogance show and denying His help.

To the Boy I Just Said "I Love You" to... Here's my side

I have to admit, that's not the way I intended it to come out. When you jokingly said "why do you hate me?" I didn't mean to respond with "I don't hate you, I love you."

At least, that's not what I wanted the first time saying the words to be. And I didn't want them to sound so insincere, because, frankly, I do love you.

I wanted to tell you that I love you in some grand gesture sort of way, or at the right time, or even in response to you saying it first.

I have wanted to tell you for the past month.

I am sorry that I didn't put it out there in the appropriate way.

Before you have a chance to say that I don't mean it, give me a chance to tell you all the ways I love you.

I love the way you look when you wake up. Groggy with messy hair and a weak smile.

I love the way you make it your first mission to pull me in closer when you first wake up, even if I am trying to leave the bed. 

I love the way you always take a break from homework to creep into bed just to say hi.

I love the way you hold me tight when I get stressed, instead of freaking out.

I love the way you are particular about your clothes, at least your t-shirts.

I love the way you smile when I'm wrong, but don't smile or laugh when I cry.

I love the way you work with me and have a large amount of patience with me.

I love the way you don't judge my morning breath or my snoring.

I love the way you snore, it's kind of cute.

I love the way you make me laugh, even if you don't have to say anything. Especially when you don't have to say anything.  

I love the way you make me smile, even if it's just because I got to see you.

I love the way you push me to be the best form of myself.

I love the way you improvise your food and drinks when you're working with your college budget.

I love the way you are driven by failure to achieve your success. 

I love the way you don't back down when threatened.

I love the way you do what you do, everything you do.

I just love you. I could write it in a million ways, scribbled on paper or written across the sky, yet the words could never compare to what I actually feel.

So when you don't reciprocate, I'm torn. 

I'm torn between feeling bad because you appear to not feel the same way and feeling happy because you have at least given me the pleasure to experience it.

I feel bad because it fulfills my fears of me being the one that loves more and fully. But I am the woman, I am supposed to feel this way, right? At least you didn't get weird and kick me out like you could have.

I feel amazing for letting it out because I am honest now. Fully honest, and I won't deny the fact that I love you because I cannot deny what I feel. I will not deny myself of such a simple pleasure as to be honest with another about your affections.

You can feel what you want. I won't push you. Just know that I love you regardless of your decisions and I hope that you, if not now then eventually, feel the same way.

I want you to be happy.

The Mean Green Eyed Monster, and I Don't Mean Envy...

I mean myself.

I'm not saying that I creep on Facebook, but I tend to creep on Facebook. Sometimes it is completely random and other times, well.. Other times, I have a mission. Creeping with a purpose.

Lately, I've been struggling with the balance of staying true to myself and loathing myself for not being more worthy of my boyfriend. Namely, not being like his ex-girlfriend. 

Which I know what you're thinking, why would I want to be more like her?

Well, for starters, she broke up with him. 

It sounds stupid and crazy, but I'm telling you. It makes a difference.

If he broke up with her, there would be a reason and I would avoid everything in my might to be like her because she wasn't a good fit. 

However, with her breaking up with him, there leaves room to wonder if I should be more like her. 

So I do the worst thing possible and I creep on her. 

I find out that we share certain aspects. We have a similar hair color and body shape. We share the same major and even share some mutual friends. We are both Northerners by birth. 

We also apparently have vast differences. Yet, no one seems to clue me into what those differences are.

"You're just different," they say.

Then I creep further. I find her pictures with him in them. The ones that form a tangible picture in my mind that she was once where I stand, where I sleep, and where I even brush my teeth. I see pictures of their shared happiness and all the things that tell me that I should be more like her.

He let her post these tangible evidences.

Then, there is me. Currently creeping and itching the stress rash on the back of my hand while fighting the knot in my stomach telling me that my life is going to be decimated by some fatal stomach ulcer. 

He kisses me now and tells me that I'm beautiful. Not her. He is with me. Not her. Yet, she's still there. The image I have built up of her, looking down on me like a vulture looks down on its prey. She infiltrates my dreams and keeps me up at night. She is in my subconscious, yelling at me for not being good enough for this man that I have come to adore more than my favorite book, which is saying a lot. She is the reason I don't eat as much as I used to, because of the huge knot that has been in my stomach for weeks. And yet, she is none of these things. She is not the reason for my problems. I am. I am solely the cause of the distress in my life. I let things get this bad. She is not in control of the fact that I am scared of her. I am. I am scared of her because I let myself believe that I need to be like her. I am the one hurting myself. My anxious heart doesn't like the idea of him being with another, but they once were. I let that get to me. 

I am the reason that I fear my own vulnerability. 

My Little Injustice Rant

I've always felt this injustice about being a female. Yes, I'm a privileged white woman. No, that does not stop me from seeing all the injustices. 

But my main concern is the inequality for all people. The fact that any person could be seen as better or more worthy than another is ridiculous to me. Men are not more able than women, just like a white person is more able than a black person. It just doesn't make sense. We're all unique in our abilities. We're all different. 

Even though the civil rights war has been fought and segregation is a thing of the past, the prejudice isn't gone. We might have abolished slavery, but we haven't abolished the root of the evil. A person should not be defined by their skin color. Yes, stereotypes are created and stemmed from truth. However, badgering and abusing people for the way they behave won't help them. Sometimes people need patience and education. Two things the United States is not good for. Even with public education, most kids aren't being taught on the same level as others. I can say that even in my well off school district, that some teachers just can't help certain kids. As a tutor, I learned that there are several different ways to solve a single problem and that working to figure that out on an individual level is the most promising way to help others. But that would take extra time. Budget cuts shrank the amount of teachers that each school could have, while the number of students continues to grow. They should not have cut anything from education. Other countries, such as Sweden, have free school including college. We pay for college here in the USA, which is a pain in my pocketbook. 

Anyway, back to inequality. It's clear to see the racial prejudice and stereotypes surrounding each race, both things make it hard to move forward.

Gender inequality is a royal pain in my ass, to be honest. First of all, the fact that a person should look any certain way is ridiculous. I don't need makeup, long hair, and be a family woman to be feminine. Just like men don't need huge muscles, a well paying job, and be tall to a man. The only thing that should make you a certain gender is how you feel. If you were born a man but identify with women, then what the hell, you're a woman in my eyes. The idea that gender defines a person is also ridiculous to me. Yeah, I'm a female, but that's not all. I'm a Christian, a moderate, a college student, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend, and a pain in people's asses, among other things. But I'm not just a female. I don't have to be into rom-coms and Pretty Little Liars, but I am. I wouldn't judge a guy for liking those things. More power to him. The thing that chaps my ass most though is that the inequality is so large that it seeps into the roles we play. In the workplace, women still aren't making equal pay to men. We work harder to get the same thing. It's proven that an attractive woman is actually less likely to be chosen for a high ranking CEO job because she won't be "qualified." I feel like this is because men feel a social stigma to be the breadwinner and protector. To provide and be, well, masculine. I think they're scared that women can do the same thing because then, they will be making massive changes. Many people are afraid of the idea of being androgynous. No one wants to blur the lines and go out of the norm. I think they're forgetting who sets the norm. It wasn't God who said, "and let pink be for girls." No, people said that. Gender roles are man made. No divine entity would waste its time to create these cardboard boxes for people to fit into. It's not even fair to the divine entities to propose that they would. People are solely in charge of taking an interest and putting a label on it. Girls can like sports just as much as guys can like fashion. Honestly, who gives a shit if you don't fit a certain role? No one should judge you for being you. Not even the government. Yet here we are. Fighting to be ourselves in a land that is supposed to be for the free, not the oppressed. Yet, people are still fighting just to be able to show love, their own kind of love that should be able to be practiced. The kind of love that we deem acceptable only between a man and woman. Yes, it's only biologically possible to have kids if it's male and female parents. But that doesn't make heterosexual parents any better than homosexual parents, it just makes them different. There are thousands of kids in need of a foster home anyway. 

We also discriminate against anyone not picking a gender. So what if you don't feel right with the gender you were born with? Live your life the way you feel fit. I'm cisgender, I identify with the gender I was born. But that's not the case for everyone. Not everyone feels comfortable in their own skin. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is lay off. Let everyone do their own thing and don't pay them less for who they are. Don't be mean for who they are. Be understanding. It's easier said than done. But I promise you, recognizing that all human beings are capable of the same things will make your life easier. We're all capable of good and evil. One sin isn't greater than another. And you're supposed to love everyone equally, or if you're that person, hate everyone equally. God won't love one person more than another, so why would we, as the children of God, brothers and sisters to each other, feel like we have the right to feel above someone else and even treat them that way. I don't care how you live your life. It's something I'm working on, because it's not fair to judge others for things they can't control. 

What I Learned This Weekend

As a girlfriend to a fraternity boy, I go to parties. Not very many, but enough to see the real side of people. 

People like to claim that the drunk them isn't the real them. I like to say that this is false. Being drunk lowers or completely tears away your filter, allowing you to say things that you deserve to be slapped for. 

This gives a rather good insight to each person you meet. 

Although, one stood out to me. My friend said, "Sometimes, I go to these parties, I see how good the girls look and I wish I weren't in a relationship."

I began my night completely freaking out. I was bloated and my hair looked like shit. I was freaking because I wasn't sure if I looked good enough to accurately represent my boyfriend and his attractiveness, which is a huge deal because of how important it is to me that he represented well. I was mainly concerned about if any girls would see me, realize I'm not super attractive, and try to swoop in and steal him. Girls are mean, mkay? 

So I was already worried about every thought other girls were having, along with the fear of what my boyfriend was thinking when he saw all the girls who looked really pretty and party ready. 

Then one of his friends came over and said that. 

He should be glad his girlfriend was inside, but that didn't stop me from slapping the shit out of him.

He also didn't understand why I was so offended.

I had just spent my night freaking out about whether or not I looked okay and was pretty enough to keep my own boyfriend's attention and then this kid comes over and speaks my worst fear through someone else.

He feels trapped.

Which is cool or whatever, but if you feel that trapped then you can always get out.

My boyfriend kind of made me feel better.

But on a completely unrelated note, I am worried about summer. I don't really know why, because I can't control what happens. However, I am being driven bat shit crazy and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it.

I was on the phone with my mom the other day and she kept telling me "accept the things you can't change and change the things you can."

It's All On Me... And Society

Throughout this school year, I have been struggling with getting a grip on my confidence. 

I had struggled with it for six years prior and found a way to kind of recover. Then, of course, I relapsed.

So as I listen to Jessie J and cry a little bit, I want to delve into the details of this issue.

Let's start from the beginning, shall we.

When Fowler Middle School was built, 90% of my friend base moved away. I lost the few actual girly girl friends that I  had. I also lost the guy friends I had made. I was left with maybe three friends. All of which ditched me for the anime life. I am not without fault though. I may have made a few choice comments about anime. This made seventh grade harder than it needed to be.

Seventh grade started out with me needing to establish a friend base. This base became a melting pot of trouble. I thought these new three friends were going to be those friends that you stick with through college. The kind that you get an apartment with and raise three dogs while working jobs as waitresses to pay the bills and spent nights in the living room studying for classes. However, that wasn't the plan.

They say that everyone in your life has an effect, they all leave a mark. Whether those people stay or leave, they all teach you some kind of lesson.

These girls taught me what it means to be a girl. Most of all, they taught me what it means to be an insecure teenager who has a toxic habit of comparing herself to other girls. 

We obsessed over how our hair and makeup looked while simultaneously basing our worth on which guys liked us, if any at all. Or at least I had thought it was a "we." Really it was a "me." I soon began facing the harsh reality of females. They will help bring you down, but they won't be able to help bring you back up.

I loathed myself and wondered if I was worthy of living a life here on earth.

I never actually had a suicidal thought, but I pondered my own death with more frequency than a teenager ever should. I scared myself.

Starting in 7th grade, I began wearing makeup every day. I kept it up until I started college.

I would wear makeup from 7 in the morning til 11 at night, every single day. 

I wouldn't go to the gas station without makeup. I wouldn't go to my family's house without makeup. I just couldn't bear the idea of someone seeing my actual face, because that face wasn't good enough. 

I hoped that the makeup could save me from feeling like a troll. I didn't want to go without makeup and risk someone telling me that I wasn't pretty enough. 

My shirt neckline slowly became lower until I had teachers writing me up for dress code violations, all of which were solved by me pulling my shirt up. I hoped that maybe if I showed off the goods that a boy would take interest and validate my self-worth.

I confused lust for love and I began to settle. I accepted the love I thought I deserved.

I forced feelings in three different relationships and in about seven dating not-really-a-relationship relationships. 

I began to let go of most of my standards to the point where I was only achieving one of the 10 standards I have, accepting the love I thought I deserved.

I broke the hearts of four guys who confessed their love for me by just pretending they didn't say it because I couldn't bring myself to take the blame for the terrible cycle I was creating. 

I tried to find acceptance that I could only find in myself in other people.

I would flirt with guys to make myself feel better.

I would kiss random strangers to see if I could. 

I would try my damnedest to find the consolation that could only be found within my own self-love in another person.

I found my happiness in the bottom of a tumbler full of water, with a face void of makeup, in running tights, proving my own worth on an animal science test. 

I found my own self-love by being myself and letting the acceptance from others encourage my self-worth without basing my self-worth on them.

I lost my self-love at the bottom of another girl's facebook, with a face stained with dried tears, in a large t-shirt, proving that relapses happen when you compare yourself to your boyfriend's exes.

I lost my self-love by forgetting to remember that I was chosen above the other girls who he could have chosen.

I lost my self-love by looking on with envy at the girls he didn't choose.

I lost my self-love by forgetting that makeup doesn't change my personality and that the humidity doesn't allow all outfit choices.

I lost my self-love by forgetting the importance and healthiness of loving yourself.

I will find that self-love again. For myself and for those around me.

I will do it for myself so that I can always enjoy my relationship.

I will do it for myself so that I can conquer the mishaps in life.

I will do it for my grandpa because he taught me that I deserve to be happy.

I will do it for my mom because she raised me to be like her and she is the definition of beauty.

I will do it for my dad because confidence is key to being a leader.

I will do it for my grandma because being classy comes with having respect for yourself.

I will do it for my little brother so he knows what kind of girl he deserves.

I will do it for my best friends because they don't deserve my constant problems.

I will do it for my boyfriend because he deserves to have a woman who likes herself as much as she likes him and so that he knows she wants him but doesn't always need him there.

This Kid That Let's Me Take Over His Bed and Room

As for my other favorite guy, I've been thinking about him a lot recently.

When I first met this kid, I was apprehensive because it would have been against girl code to try anything with him since my best friend had a thing for him. Plus, I thought he was too attractive to be a nice guy.

I found him attractive; however, I didn't find him as attractive as the other girls did.

Honestly, I found him to be not up to par with what I was expecting.

The few days after the initial meeting changed everything I had thought about him.

I got to know him and I had to fight a very disappointed look when I saw him with another girl.

Once we became in a relationship, I knew I was done for.

When I look at him, I see a whole face. A face that no one can compare to. His eyes hold me like nothing else. I could stare into them for hours. His lips are fuller than mine but in the best way possible. They also do this cute kind of flutter thing when he exhales in his sleep. 

He can perfectly brush back his hair without looking, but it always gets messed up by him nuzzling into the pillow. His neck is ridiculously long but it matches his broad shoulders perfectly. It also makes cuddling a thousand times easier for me. His chest has this little concave part that he apparently dislikes, but its my favorite place to rest my hand because it puts my palm in the perfect position to feel his heartbeat.

I'm not a foot person, but I can make an exception for him when our feet touch. His arms are just the right amount of muscular to not be too bony but also not too overdone. His legs are probably smaller than mine, but not in a bad way. He's very proportional. It used to bother me that he was so thin compared to me, but it doesn't bother me anymore. 

The way he laughs stays with me when we're apart. His voice reads the messages he sends and the statuses he posts. He finds his way into my dreams. His jokes keep me laughing when I remember them. He challenges me intellectually. He makes me want to be a better person. His patience with me makes me appreciate him more than his looks ever could. The way he handles himself with other people captivates me because of how mature he is, but how he can let go with me. 

He really just captivates me all the time. The way he looks at me makes me feel like there is no other girl in the world. The way he holds me reassures me that he agrees. The things he says takes away every ounce of doubt I have.

I could go on for hours about how this boy makes me feel. I could probably talk for years about how he makes me feel, honestly. 

My Favorite Man

Before I begin writing about myself, I want to discuss someone very important to me.

I know what you're thinking... "NOT ANOTHER POST ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND."

No, not yet. There will be one.

This one is about my actual best friend, my first best friend, and my favorite person besides maybe my mom.

This one is about my Papa.

He was with me from the very beginning. My buddy. 

It's hard to believe he's gone even though it's been a few years.

I still hope that he'll magically appear each time I go over to my Mimi's house.

I have their home phone number in my contacts as Mimi and Papa.

He was the greatest man I have ever had the joy of knowing. He taught me geometry when my teacher was failing to find a way to help me learn. He was the one who taught me that I have nothing to complain about and he is the one that I truly hope to be a better person for. 

When I do find myself complaining, I feel bad. All I can think is "what would Papa think if he saw you acting this way?"

He is the reason I try so hard to achieve all my goals in life.

He is still my best friend. I talk to him sometimes. Most of the time it ends in me crying. 

I'll listen to the songs that we played at his funeral and I smile and cry at the same time.

I mostly just sit and think about the memories that we could have had and the time I wasted being a teenager instead of trying to spend time with him

I also think about how he told me that I was his favorite.

I always knew it from the way he would let me have cookies when my mom tried to ground me or from how I was the only grandchild to actually have some kind of relationship with him.

I thought about him yesterday and cried in the bathroom to avoid having to tell my boyfriend what was wrong. It's not that I am ashamed to cry for Papa, it's that I am ashamed to cry in general.

I began to cry because I realize how much I miss him in waves.

I remember something from when I was eight and then realize that I won't be able to remember it with Papa.

I hear a song and think about how he used to listen to it during breakfast during the week.

I see a television show that I know he would be interested in and I want to call and tell him about it, but he isn't there to answer.

When he was in the hospital back when I was a wee lass, he was worried that I would be scared of all the tubes and catheters and wires that were monitoring his life. Yet, I wasn't. He wasn't the tubes, catheters, and wires. He was still the same Papa he was a few days before. 

I just realized that I really miss him. I know I will miss him until I see him again.

What Relationships Have Taught Me

I never thought it was possible to miss someone after only having left them five minutes before. I thought people who felt that were ridiculous or lying. Yet here I am. 

I used to think those couples who fit in 4 kisses before leaving are absurd. I used to be content with just one. Yet here I am. 

I used to wait by my phone for a text I knew wasn't going to come. I've spent time waiting for a man, and then I found one that doesn't always make me wait and I know regardless that he'll respond and here I am.

I used to think relationships didn't mean time apart and I always craved being able to read and book. Now I have a balance between the two. 

I had a lot of misconceptions about relationships when I was going through all the wrong ones, that now that I feel like I'm the right one, I can see my faults. 

I should've known better than to believe that I was the reason each relationship failed. Or that sex could make you love another person. Or that the only time a guy would say I love you was when he hands were tracing zipper of my pants and his lips were touching mine. I've learned a lot from those middle school relationships, including that communication is important. Or from my first 6 month relationship, including that sometimes you can love someone with all your heart but not want to be with them and that that's okay. From my relationship with someone in another religion, I learned that you need similar points of interest to keep going. From my relationship with someone from outside of the country, I learned that differences in culture can change your values in a relationship. From my relationship with a rich guy, I learned that money doesn't make someone better and that we all have our own problems. And from all those guys I've dated, I've learned that the least attractive guy will still make you feel like shit if you give him the chance. 

From Sam, I've learned that communication involves more than just your words, and that it's the difference between getting in a huge fight and resolving a conflict with minimal damage. I've learned that you don't have to say I love you to feel it. Your actions can make the difference, you can tell me that you love me or you can show me through your actions. I've learned that love isn't about sex, it's about the connection you have with the other person. I've learned that being patient is the greatest quality. I've learned that sometimes you want to be with someone so often that it doesn't matter what you do in your time together. I've learned that being straightforward and honest isn't a bad quality that I have. Being that honest person helps both parties out in the end. And most of all, I've learned that the right person does come when you least expect it. You'll meet a lot of wrong ones along the way, but each wrong guy is a lesson and a step towards the right guy.

Fraternity Boy v. GDI

Dating a fraternity boy encompasses more than dating a GDI would. When you date a fraternity boy, you're dating the whole fraternity. You're dating his 100 brothers, their rules, their traditions, their parties, their colors, and their alcoholic neighbor.

When I say you're dating the brothers, I mean that you'll be spending a large portion of your weekend with all the boys. And if your boyfriend lives at the house, then you'll see them all the time. This part is weird because when I say dating the brothers, I also mean that you are bound to them, not that you are actually taking them anywhere. They kind of turn into your brothers as well, assuming you're accepted enough and that they take that initiative. 

You date their rules because they have a ton of them. You're not allowed to be rush help, even if you really love the fraternity and all they stand for. You can't know the details of guys night and you aren't supposed to hear the things they let slip. You're not supposed to still their stitches shirt and only wear the letters if your outfit represents them well. Some of these rules aren't written and are more guidelines, but they're still kind of enforced. 

You date their traditions. Some fraternities are more strict than others, which is okay. Some are more rooted in their traditions and some aren't. All fraternities are different. You date the tradition to do a chant at each party. You learn the words to said chant and it gets stuck in your head for weeks. You learn the facts and your Greek alphabet and the lingo used regarding fraternities. You find yourself thinking about how weird it is that these guys have a schedule to dress up by and that they spend every Wednesday at Bullfrogs or Fuzzy's. 

My personal least favorite is that you date their parties. My social anxiety goes crazy in the small fraternity house that is the same model of my stepdads house from when he lived alone in Nacogdoches. They fit all these people in a small area and blast the music so that it pounds through the walls. I can only do parties in big areas, which is why I stay outside most of the time. You're basically dating on a schedule of social events that you feel bad not attending or even scared not to attend because of how many women will be all over your man. You're dating the puke, the dirty dishes, the pounds of trash, and the late nights. You're dating a walking party machine.

You're dating the colors. My boyfriend's fraternity's colors are those that I once thought were sacred to Christmas. Yet they wear their red and green throughout campus, making me want the sky to unleash snow and make a list for Santa. But just wait, the social functions usually come with t-shirts. They're usually the colors. If you get a t-shirt, you're getting the sacred colors. 

A GDI is a God Damn Independent. I am a GDI, Greek life is a mystery to me and I could never be a sorority girl. I don't care to shellack makeup or do my hair at 7 am, just to go to Poultry Science. So I understand that as a GDI, I have a lot of freetime. I value my freetime. I take it and hold onto it for dear life. If you so choose to date a GDI, you're smart. You don't become involved with a huge group, you don't date a whole party, but you also don't date a group of amazing men who would stand up for you when your boyfriend does something wrong. You aren't dating a group of men who will tell you when you're wrong, and how to fix it. You aren't dating man children, or even their potential to be amazing grown men. You aren't dating a guy who wears more themed t-shirts than you, or maybe you are. 

There are pros and cons to each. GDIs can be just as bad as fraternity boys and vice versa. Just remember that your boy is more than his title. He's not just a fraternity boy. He's a fraternity boy, a gamer, a 300 fan, a loyal friend, a funny roommate, a giraffe, a great bacon cooker, but most of all, he's my amazing boyfriend.

Tips for Boys Regarding Their Girlfriends' Time of the Month

So I have recently had to deal with hormones again. I was on birth control, but when we hit the deer, I lost it. That being said, to begin a new pack I have to wait until my next period. When I am on my period, I am the single most hormonal person. I get terrible cramps and mood swings that could kill. One minute I could be really happy, then someone says something that rubs me the wrong way and suddenly I'm pissed off, then someone says something mean and I'm suddenly crying. It's the most ridiculous thing. Birth control actually really helps with this. Since I am struggling with a period and being hormonal again, I figured I would create a list of Dos and Donts for all the boys out there. These really are kind of specific to girls like me, but who knows. It could be useful across the board.


1. Do NOT discuss other girls. I don't care if Sheila got the promotion or if this girl looks like Jennifer Lawrence. And no, I probably don't think she's hot and you shouldn't either. And if you do, don't fucking comment on it. OR why don't you go date her if she's so hot? You're making me feel insecure, and it's kind of pissing me off.
2. Do NOT ask me why I am acting crazy or if I am okay. The answer is no. There is blood and uterine lining escaping my body via my vagina. Plus those really fun cramps? Yeah, those are uterine contractions shedding the lining like it would a baby. It's painful. No I am not okay.
3. Do NOT make fun of me. I know, it is your way of dealing with things. But do not make fun of the way I waddle when I have cramps. I will take it personally and probably cry and definitely not talk to you for several hours, even if your house is on fire.
4. Do NOT be offended by me. Between how crazy I already feel and how much is going through my mind, I probably haven't taken the time to think about anyone else. My period can make me very selfish, seeing as I am focusing on the pain of my cramps instead of how my last statement sounded. If I am acting like a heinous bitch, please just tell me.
5. Do NOT be alarmed or laugh if I cry. Between physical pain and whatever else is going on, I walk around 90% of my period time ready to cry. I couldn't pick a pain reliever and cried on the floor of Walgreens. I stopped walking and cried on the benches because I thought of the possibility of us breaking up. I just cry a lot.
6. Do NOT touch my belly or any part of me that is fat for that matter. I am bloating and feeling fat. Stop with yourself, unless you want me to cry some more.
7. Do NOT spend all your time ignoring me. I need some idea that you still like me even when I am ugly, breaking out, bloated, and emotional. Ignoring me to hang out with the boys while I am in some strange, fragile, broken emotional state will make me overthink a lot of things. When I overthink a lot of things, I come to the conclusion that you just don't like me. I will then again proceed to cry.
8. Do NOT forget that I still love you. I may not be the most affectionate person on my period and sometimes I might lash out. However, this does not change the fact that I find you to be the greatest guy around.
9. Do NOT forget that I am acting this way because I am literally losing a chunk of my uterus. That is uterine lining swollen with blood. Women got the shaft in this whole reproduction thing.
10. Do NOT feel the need to appease me if you truly don't want to. Women know when you feel coerced into doing something. It' s not worth your effort because you might face more hell than you intended to meet.
11. Do talk to me. There's a good chance that I want desperately to talk to you but don't want to piss you off or annoy you. Sometimes I just want to talk to the person that means the most to me.
12. Do hold and hug me. You don't understand how much this matters. Hugs are the most comforting things. I need comfort when I am in pain.
13. Do reassure me. Like I said, I get insecure on my period, you would too. Sometimes I need to know that you don't think I'm Stalin's child with all my body hair or that I am the most repulsing woman and that you still like me. Plus I won't be feeling like a 10, I'll be feeling like a -100. You're the only person whose opinion matters to me at the moment.
14. Do watch tv with me. Sometimes I just need someone to sit down and watch Supernatural with. I won't make you watch Say Yes to the Dress, even though I've been on Pinterest all day while watching The Notebook with the girls while crying into my pint of Phish Food ice cream.
15. Do accept the way I eat. I eat like a fucking yeti, I'm sorry I out-ate you, but it's just life.
16. Do get me a pillow and some water. My cramps will make me want to break a lamp. Giving me a pillow saves your hand from the squeeze. Plus who doesn't love water.
17. Do remember that I can get my own stuff and I'm self-sufficient, but I do appreciate gifts. By gifts I mean Midol, a heating pad, and ice cream.
18. Do remember that I want to help you. Even if I feel like shit, I want you to be happy and I want to help you out.
19. Do remember I will be sappy this week. I want to see people get married and have babies and I want to cry good tears. I'll try to save this part for the girls.
20. Do tell me what I mean to you. You'll make my heart happy. Unless you think I'm a worthless piece of shit, in which case, wait until next week.
21. Do realize that if I actually ask for alone time, that I need alone time. Sometimes I want to cry by myself. Or sometimes I need a nap. This alone period of time will be over quickly, to be honest.

This Crazy Weekend Adventure

Have you ever had a weekend so eventful that you don't remember it as a whole but random small parts come to you? That was my weekend. 

To begin, my spring break began on Thursday of last week, seeing as I don't have Friday classes. I spent most of Thursday packing up my room and getting ready to leave the next day. We left school on Friday around 2, that put us in Dallas at 5. We got our stuff together and left for Oklahoma at 7-ish. 

Now I love night drives on the highway, but knowing the tendencies of animals, I hate rural sections at night. 

So as we missed a turn in Antlers, OK, I began to feel an imminent danger. I usually push these things away because of my anxiety. However, I should have listened to it as my friend pushed almost 80. There was a deer lurking beyond a hill that fulfilled my gut feeling. The first deer was fine, the second deer was the one that got hit. We somehow made it out okay, even though we ended up in the ditch. Thankfully the car didn't flip or hit a tree, or get stuck. But that only began the journey. Turns out, we were headed the wrong direction, so we snail crawled our way back into Antlers and made the correct turn towards Broken Bow. That's when the check engine light came on. Long story short, we ended up getting towed only to have to stuff ourselves into our friend's vehicle in a way that would make any Tetris player amazed. 

We finally made it to the destination at 2:30 and promptly, wait for it, got into the jacquzzi. I didn't realize this would take away hot water from the shower. I took a cold shower that night. We finally went to bed at 4:30. 

Who knew wake up time would be 10 after the late night. I was on breakfast duty, I was actually on all food duty. The rest of the weekend followed a similar pattern of going to bed early and waking up early.

This weekend actually taught me a lot and did an equal amount for me. 

First, I got a social media and texting free break. This helped me in several ways.

Second, I got to see a different side of my boyfriend's best friend. Usually the kid gets under my skin, but he honestly didn't irritate me this weekend. Don't tell him that. 

Third, I figured out that I'm the full package, according to one of my boyfriend's fraternity brothers. 

Fourth, I saw a very protective side of my boyfriend and also a very manly side of him as he smoked a cigar.

Fifth, I've come to the conclusion that all these emotions I feel are actually the love kind of emotions and that I had to stop myself several times from saying it.

I've also discovered that I don't like it when other girls sit next to or touch my boyfriend. I become very competitive.

That Life Story Doe

I feel like you guys read these posts without getting to really know me. 

So here's a little tidbit about me.

I was born in Peoria, IL in 1995.

Which makes me 18 years old.

I lived in Peoria Heights for a few years until my parents divorced.

After the divorce, my mom and I moved in with my grandparents, in Bartonville, IL.

My mom met a guy and we moved to Fresno, CA.

I loved Fresno actually.

Alas, they broke up and we packed up again.

This time we headed to Frisco, TX.

Finally, we stayed somewhere.

At first, when we moved around, I missed Illinois.

The thing is, it's hard to belong somewhere that you didn't really know.

I didn't know that Central Illinois wasn't a good area.

So when we finally settled in Frisco, I was stuck between liking Illinois and California.

I loved California to be honest.

The nature and the cities, they all blend so well together.

In the first year, I never took the time to like Texas.

It actually took me three years before I began to like it.

Now I can't say that the first 8 years of my life changed me, as I don't remember them.

So we'll continue at age 9 in Texas.

I was an awkward child who already had crushes on the cute boys.

It had never been hard for me to make friends, but it was still weird.

I found a best friend in Rachel.

I think I liked her the best out of the elementary-middle school besties.

She was kind of a worry-wart, but she also knew what it was like to be a kid.

We didn't begin to worry about looking pretty, we worried about the latest games and shows to watch.

We would spend hours on the trampoline, not the mall.

It was fun.

But we parted ways in middle school.

I became friends with girls who actually cared about appearances and I soon felt very inadequate.

When you recognize the shallowness around you, you can actually begin to sink.

I wasn't a cute kid.

I'll be the first to admit that. And from the time I was 12, I let that define me.

Even as I changed and grew up, I was marked with an ugliness that I couldn't get rid of.

Low Self Esteem.

It's the easiest and ugliest ailment around.

I wasn't even a teenager when I began to feel like I wasn't enough.

I looked at Seventeen magazine and watched all these movies and realized that girls are supposed to be thin, and have this flawless skin, and beautiful hair.

It wasn't me.

I wasn't thin for starters, I'm still not the "ideal." But I am healthy.

I don't have perfect skin, I stress out and break out all the time.

My hair is actually comparable.

But I didn't realize that it takes more than just your outside to be beautiful.

When you are fed ads and other types of media, it's hard to keep in mind that everyone is different.

That the models don't look like the models.

You could say that I entered Girl World completely unprepared.

Luckily I had my mom.

However, I only let her know that I was insecure once in 8th grade.

I don't think she knew the severity of it or the potential longevity of it.

I spent the next 5 years navigating middle school, high school, and girl world.

I never felt good enough, in anything that I did.

My grades were good, but they weren't perfect.

When it got into my grades, I realized that the insecurity would only spread and get worse.

I changed friends though during Junior year.

I went from three girls to a completely different just one.

I kept my boys though.

When I first met Kelsey, we were deskmates in Chemistry, sophomore year.

She drew and sang a lot, but it was fun to have a friend in that class. However, we didn't hang out outside of class that year.

Junior year we had several classes together and group projects.

Once we began hanging out, it was clear that we'd be best friends.

We spent most of our time together and I grew away from the people I thought were my best friends.

Which was okay, because there was drama there anyway.

A lot talking behind backs and not having my back kind of shit that I wasn't down for.

Anyway, Kelsey quickly became a good best friend. She even had my back when I didn't.

She also constantly pushed me to be more confident and worked with me through a lot of things that I didn't think I could handle.

I actually think I owe it to her for why I am not completely insecure anymore.

Not completely.

I still have my moments.

Freshman year of college is hard though.

I'm getting my footing along the lines of living on my own, getting good grades, studying, and even navigating all sorts of relationships.

I found that the key to shattering insecurity is to focus on the good. 

It sounds cheesy and like everything you've heard before, but I promise you. It is the only thing that you can do.

I started by focusing on what I had and what I was thankful for.

I listed everything I could think of.

I am thankful for my family, the people who are always there for me.

More specifically, my mom, who is my best friend through everything. My nurse and my nurturer, she is the best mom I could have asked for.

I mentioned my brother, my stepdad, my dad, my stepmom, my mimi, my papa, and even my older half-brother.

I am thankful for my friends.

I mentioned Kelsey, who is an obvious choice of person to be thankful for.

I mentioned Jasmine, Brooke, Josh, Evan, and several others.

I am thankful to be able to go to school.

I am thankful for the food I eat.

I am thankful for the clothes I wear.

For the water I drink.

I am thankful for the guy who accepts me when I don't think I am good enough.

Once I got these things down, I moved on to the things about myself that I am thankful for.

I am thankful that I actually am pretty smart. I rocked that honor roll life for several years, then it turned into honor societies and began to be too much.

I am thankful that I have an ability to make others laugh.

I am thankful that I know how to take care of others.

I found things like that about myself that made me feel better about myself.

Once I made a list, I just reminded myself.

I had to forget the bad though too.

I couldn't just leave it at bringing myself up, I had to destroy what could bring me down.

So like any angsty teenager, I just developed a "IDGAF" attitude and stopped caring.

Insecurity flourishes when you have the spotlight effect.

I had to realize that no one cares about me or what I do. 

Sure, there will be a few people who take notice of my weird dance when I'm happy, or the way I eat my sandwiches, or even the way I walk.

But, none of that matters to anyone but me.

That's kind of been the journey til now.

Now I'm in my second semester, I've changed my major twice, and I think I've got it.

I've made a really great group of friends who I can tell most anything to.

I have a roommate who not only puts up with my shit, but actually accepts it and doesn't judge me. And she's a great friend, which is a bonus.

I've finally figured out most of the loopholes of college.

I've figured out classes and studying.

I've figured out that you can't force relationships or emotions.

I've figured out that one door opens to another.

I've figured out that one beginning is some other beginning's end.

I have found my place. At least my place for now.

It's a comfortable place, that generally requires at the most pajama pants.

I couldn't have asked for a better life.

It has had its twists and turns, its ups and downs, and everything in between.

These unfortunate events have only led me to a place that is like a beacon of light in the middle of darkness.

That was cheesy.

The broken road that led me straight to you. Just kidding.

But really.

All these "bad" things will lead to better things and life just works that way.

That's all I've got for a life story, but that's actually a lot more than you need.

But there you have it, and I've spared you on the boyfriend talk.